Not the Herald Sun

10's 10

2010-12-04T17:30:00.019+11:00

A representation of the albums that have had the largest impact on my year in no particular order. You probably shouldn't watch any of these videos at work due to their containing boobs or general weirdness.

Ariel Pink’s Haunted Graffiti - Before Today (4AD)

People have been banging on about Ariel Pink to me for a couple of years but I couldn't get past the 'tape left in a pool for ten years before recording' aesthetic. Now he's signed to 4AD and his stuff has been polished up so folks like me can get into it. His exciting ideas are enhanced by the scrutiny given to them by high quality production. I've listened to this album more than anything else this year.

VIDEO: 'Bright Lit Blue Skies'

Dan Kelly - Dan Kelly’s Dream (Independent/Shock)

Australian - wait a minute, forget the country! This is guitar pop at its finest. Witty lyrics, excellent arrangements and great performances. When the drums kick in during the second verse of 'Bindi Irwin Apocalypse Jam', I see the face of God - which often looks like a smirking precocious 12 year old girl from Queensland.

VIDEO: 'Hold On, I'm Coming On'

The Books - The Way Out (Temporary Residence Limited)

Inventive sonic collages with a coherence despite extreme stylistic diversity across the record.

VIDEO: 'A Cold Freezin' Night'

Joanna Newsom - Have One On Me (Drag City)

Back in 2004 I laughed and impersonated 'Sprout and the Bean', screaming "Should we go outside?" whenever the opportunity arose. In 2006 I still dismissed J-New when Ys came out as elvish jibber jabber and I did not listen to it.

The change occurred when people put Ys so high up on their best of the 2000s lists at the end of last year, and I knew it was time for me to pull my head out of my arse. Instead of being able to puff myself up as a discerning music fan staying away from crap, I had an inkling I was, like, totally missing out.

Of course I was, and in the period of time between November 2009 until Have One On Me came out in February 2010 I listened to and began to appreciate Ys and got past the abrasive elements of The Milk-Eyed Mender to be able to hear her music for what it is: the work of one of the best singer-songwriters working at the moment.

Have One On Me runs at over two hours, but it never feels bloated. Every song has its own identity and is performing its part in the whole. Its length could be seen as a call to live a different, slower, kind of life - or to just make sure that at least weekly you sit for a couple of hours and be embraced by a wonderful record.

VIDEO: 'Soft as Chalk' live on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.

Belle & Sebastian - Belle & Sebastian Write About Love (Rough Trade)

A great band releasing another well-written album that includes a Stuart Murdoch-Norah Jones duet. Music, you so crazy sometimes.

VIDEO: 'I Want the World to Stop'

Tobacco - Maniac Meat (Anticon)

Analog synths, 1980s Betamax dread, excellent pop sensibility. When you first come across the work of Tobacco you can be smacked with complete sensory overload.

A good example is the song in the video below 'Fresh Hex', which features Beck Hansen. There is so much going on. Give it five or ten or twenty listens though, as I have during this year, and it emerges that it is not messy but intentional and structured excess and what is going on is exciting and very fun.

VIDEO: 'Fresh Hex' feat. Beck

Jonsi - Go (XL)

What a triumph of a record. Hopeful, fun and massive.

VIDEO: 'Go Do'

Grinderman - Grinderman 2 (Mute)

Sleazy, hilarious and rocking hard.

VIDEO: 'Heathen Child'

Deerhunter - Halcyon Digest (4AD)

Maturation of songwriting, yadda yadda. There's no way I can make those sorts of claims about Deerhunter because I jumped on the bandwagon this year. This is in my top ten because there is not a dud track on this record.

VIDEO: 'Helicopter'

Mount Kimbie - Crooks and Lovers (Hotflush)

Dubstep. What is it, and how can we stop our children falling victim to its grasp?

Perhaps on the home listening end of the spectrum, Crooks and Lovers is almost definitely the best debut long player this year and stands tall among all of the records released in 2010.

VIDEO: 'Would Know'

Best gigs

Philippe Jaroussky, Melbourne Recital Centre, 1 March.
Deerhoof, The Corner Hotel, 3 March.
Wilco, The Forum, 6 May.
Splendour in the Grass, Woodfordia, 30 July to 1 August.
Boadrum 10, The Forum, 9 October.

Meredith

2009-12-14T18:48:00.006+11:00

The obvious question after any music festival is, “Who had the best t-shirt?” While the mock varsity top for Nimbin University came close, the winner for me at this year’s Meredith Music Festival featured a cropped Beatles photo featuring Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney with the tagline, “DRUM & BASS”.

This was my first time at Meredith and I cannot praise the organisers enough for the way they run the festival. Assisted by perfect weather, it was a breeze to get in and out of the festival grounds and the famous “no dickheads” policy was followed to the T.

I guess the main reason you go to these things is the music, and that was a treat as well.

After sitting in the outside chairs at the Pink Flamingo Bar drinking Melbourne Bitters we decided it was time to rug up for the night and fill our pockets with cans of Stella, so we left the Supernatural Ampitheatre in time to make it back for Akron/Family. What we returned for was a thoroughly enjoyable beardy jam with plenty of audience participation; a most satisfactory festival performance.

Sia jumped up on stage next and kicked off proceedings with ‘Buttons’, setting the tone for a fun, poppy and technically adept performance. Her band is excellent, of particular note being her touring cellist whose presence is essential to most arrangements.

Royal Crown Revue have come full circle and are now seasoned and relaxed swing entertainers in their forties - much, perhaps, like the ones that inspired them when the band began in 1989. RCR delivered an excellent live show with top players, only slightly dampened by some douche throwing an esky on stage in the final third of the set. Singer Eddie Nichols, ever the professional, kicked it into a monitor and didn’t miss a beat.

Once we’d shrugged off our hangovers from the night before we returned to the Supernatural Amphitheatre on Saturday for Kitty, Daisy and Lewis, the English instrument-swapping revivalist rock’n’roll Durham siblings. Their parents joined them on stage, with mum Ingrid Weiss (drummer post-debut record for The Raincoats) on double bass and recording engineer dad Graeme Durham on banjo and acoustic guitar. This set was a rollicking good time, with a particular highlight being the infectiously joyful Jamaican trumpeter Eddie 'Tan Tan' Thornton joining the band on stage for a couple of songs.

Later in the day, Combo La Revelacion got the group pumping to their salsa grooves. During their set, a makeshift skipping rope made out of a flag rope was being jumped by punters in the crowd. A dude in a gold hooded leotard upstaged the band by his energetic leaping and backflipping over the rope.

Heavy Trash features Jon Spencer basically doing what he's done for the last 25 years, but his new band does have a renewed vigour missing from the later Blues Explosion work. Matt Verta-Ray took the lead on a couple of songs, which kept the set mixed up. You gotta mix it up. I was expecting a two-piece, but four guys were up on stage, with the line up filled out by a double bass player and a drummer.

Paul Kelly played a set of his most popular songs, and featured Vika Bull's amazing pipes on a couple of pieces. Ash Naylor took guitar duties. 'To Her Door' was met with the obligatory shoe salute, and throughout the set various people climbed a large tree close to the stage to be waved down in a firm but friendly manner by the sole bouncer.

On early Saturday night Animal Collective demonstrated that their live show is not worthy of anyone’s money or attention.

Thankfully, Jarvis Cocker followed. Opening with ‘Angela’, he spent the next hour restoring the crowd’s faith in popular song. Before ‘Homewrecker!’ from his most recent album Further Complications, Jarvis said the line immediately immortalised for twenty minutes on Twitter: “This song is about destroying things. It's not clever, and it's not intelligent - but it is very, very pleasurable."

Eddy Current Suppression Ring closed out guitar-based proceedings on Saturday night with a cracker of a set that translated very well to the festival environment. It is, of course, best to see them at The Tote but they can slay any venue from 200-people pubs, to Festival Hall, to the Supernatural Amphitheatre. A joy.

Willing to pass on the DJ sets that followed, we instead decided to grab some food and return to camp. Krishna food stalls have a well earned reputation for serving healthy and yum food at festivals. At Meredith this year I learnt something new about them. At the end of each day, you can get a lot of food for almost nothing. Two dollars gets you a big plate piled with rice and curry - normally $10 worth of food - so the three in my party at that point got one each. Well, Parko got the plate first and then even though Rich and I had eaten other stuff we thought that it made too much financial sense to pass up the opportunity.

As we stood around eating, a bloke called Adam came up and asked for some of our curry. He seemed like an okay dude so we told him to go and grab a fork from the Krishnas.

About a minute later he returned to us holding a plate full of curry with a perplexed face, exclaiming, ‘I asked for a fork and they gave me this!’

After Saturday night festivities - and, perhaps, all the food I just ingested - I had to take a shit, so I went to one of the composting toilet blocks. Some bloke called Sam was in a cubicle nearby. An obvious question is, “How did you know his name was Sam?” This is a sensible question, and it is one that is based on the social convention that friends, being your friends, let you shit in peace. Sam’s mates did not extend this courtesy to the poor chap. He was in the toilet for four or five minutes and every thirty seconds or so another friend would come and hurry him along.

“Sam! Sam! How long?”

“Two minutes!”

“You said two minutes five minutes ago.”

However, the best push by far was, “Oi, Sam. Stop shitting and come and chill out and smoke bongs and shit.” If that doesn’t get you out of a toilet, I don’t know what will.

Late on Sunday morning Wagons did as Wagons does, with all the usual trimmings plus a killer rendition of the Christmas carol ‘We Three Kings’, which will feature on the 2009 Christmas episode of Spicks and Specks on ABC1. Jarvis Cocker is one of the guests this year, so it is shaping up to be a night of unmissable low budget music quiz comedy.

The last band we caught was The Middle East, whose Recordings of The Middle East recently won the Unearthed J Award. Undeniably beautiful, it will be interesting to see how the band develops. I saw both Henry Wagons and The Middle Wast open for Bill Callahan in January at the Thornbury Theatre, and both bands have definitely had an excellent year. Since January The Middle East have expanded from a trio to a seven piece band, which brings a new power to their music and much needed competence to their drumming.

After all this, we packed up the tents, I had a free breath test from the good people at TAC’s Vanessa (BAC 0.00), we glided through the T-intersection back onto the Midland Highway with ease due to excellent traffic control and were on the way home.

How do you get a seat at Bimbo Deluxe on Saturday night without resorting to violence?

2009-06-14T14:47:00.004+10:00

I went out for pizza last night but my friends and I couldn't get a table. We drank some Little Creatures Bright Ale and some of the vinegary but pleasant house beer Blonde Bimbo, served with a slice of lemon.

After about half an hour, and a fight with a trio who took the recently freed table, we gave up and left, and started measuring other restaurants in Fitzroy with the single criterion of whether they had tables free or not.

We ended up eating at a Vietnamese restaurant that had quite a few tables free, but was serving roughly 10 people. In our desperate state it was a promising sign.

On the top of the wooden veneer bar that is a staple of many Asian restaurants was the legend 'The Van Morrison Bar'.

It became apparent that the restaurant played nothing but Van Morrison.

But it didn't stop there. There was something wrong with the CD player which resulted in hearing 'Brown Eyed Girl' five times before we got served our prawn crackers.

It is a family run and very hospitable restaurant, the kind that fills your water glass as soon as it is empty and keeps that rice coming until you say no thank you, no really, please, that is quite sufficient.

The highlight for all in the party was the green chicken curry. The beef and black bean sauce was middling but acceptable and the thingo with noodles pretty bland but satisfying in a 'filling the stomach' sense.

For drinks, all had beer. Coopers Sparkling and Pale Ale were priced the same, in bottles of course, under the names 'Coopers red' and 'Coopers green'. I pity the fool who chooses Pale in that context.

Cafe 58 Vietnamese Cuisine
58 Johnston Street Fitzroy

P.S. What is the secret of getting a table at Bimbo Deluxe on a Saturday night?

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

2009-06-12T10:07:00.006+10:00

I have added three sub-sections to s.5 of my manifesto, 'Legislative Policies':

(i) If I were mayor, I would pass a by-law requiring all grandmothers to speak in a Yorkshire accent.

(ii) If I were Prime Minister, I would pass national legislation that imposed the death penalty on waiters who called their elders ‘guys’.

(iii) If I were Attorney-General, I would change the Sentencing Act so that stopping in a crowded footpath without adequate warning was punished with life imprisonment.

Here I stand; I can do no other. God help me. Amen.

More to come.

On Thursday

2009-04-25T23:07:00.002+10:00

At about lunch time on Thursday I decided that I would see The Drones that night, realising that their Friday night show was sold out.

Melbourne’s Witch Hats were first on. These young blokes are the first of the early Nirvana inspired bands I’ve seen in a support slot, heralding in substantial form the expected resurgence of grunge. They played well, but every song seemed to be arranged in the same way. I’d catch them again to see how they develop.

Kev Carmody got on at 10 pm for a half hour set, playing songs he mostly hadn’t recorded. It was a special set which inevitably closed with ‘From Little Things Big Things Grow’.

The Drones started at 11 pm and delivered a white hot blistering set. They must have melted faces in America and will go on to do so in their forthcoming European Tour.

The guitar interplay between Gaz Liddiard and Dan Luscombe was fucking hot shit. They’ve both got themselves Digitech Whammies and were using them to their full extent (or maybe it was just Dan), plus Gaz painted fabulous sonic images out of his many shades of feedback.

Highlights were ‘Oh My’, the feedback in ‘Minotaur’ and, as always , ‘Sharkfin Blues’.

My only complaint would be their choice of 'Sixteen Straws' as the first song in the encore. With Mike on harmonica and Gaz on acoustic it broke up the momentum of the gig, but they redeemed themselves by finishing with a fully plugged in Kev Carmody cover.

After I got home from the Corner Hotel I turned my reading light on and went to brush my teeth. This, as it happens, turned out to be a mistake.

My reading light is a halogen pedestal affair, but the pedestal has broken and I had adopted the practice of laying the light across the head of my bed so I could still use it to read.

While I was brushing my teeth my doona made contact with the globe and caught on fire. ‘On fire’ is something of an exaggeration, it simply heated up to the extent it turned into a smoking, embery mess.

My dearest darling sister Joanna Marie said to no one in particular – probably the universe, to whom she addresses her nothing in particulars – ‘Is something burning?’

I went to investigate and discovered my room full of smoke. I kicked the embers out and then took my doona into the kitchen so I could pour water onto the remainder, ensuring there was no semblance of ‘fire’ left.

Our security and fire alarm is connected to the mains power so the whole house was raising hell in high frequency shrieks.

I punched in the code so the security system ceased its banshee wail but the singular fire alarm outside my room was still beep beep beeping. Upon pressing the button it would not stop so I wrenched the unit out of the ceiling whereupon it did indeed stop.

My room still full of smoke, my bed time was delayed as I opened my windows and turned my ceiling fan knob to high to clear the area.

A Review

2009-04-04T22:14:00.005+11:00

Andrew Lawrence, My Contemptible Life in a Gutter of Abject Desolation
Victoria Hotel, 2 - 26 April 2009, Tue - Sat 8.15, Sun 7.15

Let me first clear it up that this is not the 21 year old American actor Andrew Lawrence, noted for his performances with his brothers Joey and Matthew in classic 1990s Disney films like Brothers of the Frontier and the thought-provoking television situation comedy Brotherly Love.

This Andrew Lawrence is a much better flavour of Andrew Lawrence and is making his debut at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival after being nominated for the if.comedy best thingo award in 2007 and the if.comedy best newcomer thingo in 2006.

I think festival head Susan Provan brought him out in a cynical attempt to capture the snobby wanker crowd who normally partake in Daniel Kitson shows with cumbersome lengthy titles. A genius move, really, as I went and saw him on the second night of his run.

I’ve done some research with video clips on YouTube and whatnot and there’s a lot of gear where Lawrence is playing guitar and stuff and wearing his red hair long, but he did none of that last night. He has a short back and sides and no guitar. No songs, less hair. This is a difference from the things I have seen on the internet and I have noted this difference for your benefit.

Also, the scroll bar on the bio page of his website doesn’t work properly for me.

The show is dark, twisted, wordy, observational comedy. He veers from self-reflexive material about his red hair, his high-pitched whiny Londoner accent and comedy itself, to external matters like his immature girlfriend and how the 2012 London Olympics can make itself more entertaining by adding an event or two.

He paints well-observed vivid grotesques with his words and reveals truths of the ridiculousness of modern society. It is a snappy, well-written set where the only false notes were a couple of bits that strayed a shade too far from the border of human decency.

Lawrence happily admits that these moments occur at least once in a show that throws the mind-to-mouth filter out of the window. The best comedy often happens when people dance on the borderline so it is small price to pay.

The material was mostly very vivid and original, but his hotel stuff is a little too similar to Bill Hicks’ material on the same topic. I got the impression he was holding back a little bit because of jetlag or being in a new town on the other side of the world. When he's settled in this will be one of the hot tickets at the festival.

As this goes to net it has come to my attention that Daniel Kitson is in fact in town for the festival but he did not make it into the guide due to the last minute nature of arrangements. His already sold out show is Work In Progress presented at the Triple R studios from 5 to 26 April.

Although we can’t make it to the show he will be doing three broadcasts during the festival as per usual, but asn’t per usual these will be in the live performance space with guest comedians from the festival instead of Dan in the studio playing music from his iPod.

Daniel Kahn is a public servant who divides his time between the computer and the television. The Melbourne International Comedy Festival runs until 26 April 2009. Don’t forget about daylight saving finishing.

Car Park Clichés

2008-05-08T21:08:00.004+10:00

I have returned from the gymnasium where I saw a powerful symbol of the world we now live in. The normal disabled car parks were out of use because of construction, so the good people at the gym placed temporary signs in front of the next nearest car parks to the gym door. They were steel signs held erect by an easel-style tripod arrangement.

Four of the five temporary disabled car park signs were still in action, but the fifth had been knocked over by a Land Cruiser that decided that a) it needed to reverse into the car park and make a big show of it, because Land Cruisers never park easily and the drivers savour the wait they make everyone else in the car park endure while they dock their vessel, b) it didn't matter that they were parking in a disabled car park that they were not entitled to, and c) knocking over the sign didn't matter because capitalism has bestowed upon them the alienation from their true human spirit that makes them careless and selfish. Carefish, I think the attitude is called.

People at my new work speak in clichés some of the time, stuff like 'you can't just come off the street' or 'so this is a stop-gap job'. They're not really clichéd clichés, sort of fringe ones that are still clichés because they're pre-packaged words for concepts that would otherwise take more time to communicate, but ones that only freethinkers use.

The sentence previous would be significantly less communicable if one of the new breed of Australians, who refuses to mark nouns when converted to their adjectival form, tried to communicate with you.

'That's so cliché,' they say. 'I was so tan over summer,' they say. This is okay if you're an American and don't know better, but Australians - and anyone who has been raised on the English language - should know better. See:

I am tanning/I have tanned/I am a tanned person (temporarily)/this bag is (the colour) tan.
That's so clichéd/the clichéd blog entry/this is a clichéd blog entry/this is a blog entry about clichés.

'My skin is tan' does not work because not only is your skin not permanently the colour of tan (unless you've had pretty radical and awesome surgery), and your language should acknowledge this, but also because people who give a damn will instantly know that you're a bit Paris Hilton, and not in the cool way like putting out and stuff.

Toodle.

The Best Ten Drumming Clips On YouTube, As It Stands At April's End 2008

2008-04-29T15:56:00.002+10:00

I am not a drumming drummer but I like watching drumming drummers drum. Some are funny, others are just awesome. In no particular order.

Korean Drummer Steals The Show

Buddy Rich Drum Solo (1970)

Dawn Landes - Bodyguard

The Bad Plus do Aphex Twin's 'Flim'

Dave Grohl and Taylor Hawkins

Rowan Atkinson Who needs a kit?

Jacob Armen Best of the Internet's demoralising child prodigies.

Dave Grohl 2: The Grohlening On a child's drum kit.

Michel Gondry - Drumb and Drumber

And of course, the best drummer in the world takes this baby home.

They're Using Real Lasers

2008-04-13T13:19:00.006+10:00

It's been almost two-and-a-half months since my last post, and Goon tells me that I am now classified brown in his RSS reader. Ostensibly, this is an objective colour code assigned according to the period of time since the last update on a blog or website, brown meaning that a site hasn't been updated in months.

I like to think that it means more. The Internet is sorting the men from the boys. These days I am attempting to put things on the Internet only when I have something to say, which explains my absence in a much more self-effacing way than laziness, but the machines are saying back to me, 'Don't bother, browny.' Not being one to bow to binary pressure, I decided to piece an entry together immediately.

Unsurprising for those of your who are returning to Not, here's another piece about a night out a The Tote, peppered with facile tidbits about my life. In fact, the very last entry was on the same subject. Brown indeed.

I kicked it into Collingwood after dropping into a house party last Saturday night, so I missed out on the first act Big Cats.

Second act Aleks and the Ramps do crazy left-field off-kilter Northcote commune psych folk rock, with animal noises, glockenspiels, banjos and shouting at each other. The best bit was when the bass player shreiked and imitated a cat, rhythmically. I place them somewhere near Animal Collective, Akron/Family and Xiu Xiu in the spectrum. Aleks' lead vocals are technically appalling but work like a charm with hilarious lyrics and powerful delivery. Their harmonies aren't really harmonies as such, but four-part vocals that are shouted or sung loudly and clashing each other. They're touring Canada in the middle of the year.

Writing now, a lazy music scribe could possibly quickly classify Yves Klein Blue as an Australian answer to Babyshambles, or Australia's Supergrass if they were writing ten years ago. Point being, they use a variety of influences (especially from British rock) but the tunes they kick out are tight and all their own. Singer Michael Tomlinson is a charismatic frontman with a great voice, with existential lyrics The rest of the band seem to be having a hair-growing competition, which they are taking very seriously. None seems likely to concede defeat for the time being. It was a great night of local music and it only cost ten bucks, so if you're able, get out there. Both these bands were awesome and deserve your love.

The Black Keys dropped their new album Attack & Release on April Fool's Day. It's very solid. Producer Danger Mouse hasn't compromised what makes them a great band and the bells and whistles that have jumped on board fit naturally with the music instead of navigating the ship into the murky waters of pointless additions for embellishment's sake.

And not only is the album good, the promotional video for lead single 'Strange Times' is one of the funniest clips I have seen in a good while. Dan Auerbach and Patrick Carney are playing laser wars against children and teenagers. But they take it far too seriously and use actual lasers, proceeding to freak out everyone else in the skirmish. Unfortunately it's not accessible from Australian IPs on YouTube so you'll have to see it on rage or wait until it's available to us poor folks in the southern hemisphere.

See you in a couple of months.

Saturday Night, Sunday Morning

2008-02-11T17:34:00.000+11:00

Went to Cobra Bar at The Tote on Saturday night. First up was Hate Club. They were a grungey, no wave-y outfit heavily influenced by Sonic Youth. They had a shouty woman on bass and a man with an odd haircut wearing flanellette playing a weird guitar and everything. They locked into grooves hypnotically and it was a very enjoyable show.

I got a lot more out of this sort of jam band than I may have in the past because for the entire month of February I am listening to nothing but Krautrock. I am in the headspace of musical repetition and seeing the same idea from various perspectives. The only problem is I have a rather small collection of Krautrock, so this month is further limited from the genre to three bands - Can, Kraftwerk and NEU!

The idea of Krautrock month stemmed from a frustration at my ignorance of that style of music. As with all my interests, extreme action was necessary. I am also keen to push out of the habit I got into through spending a couple of years with my iPod on shuffle. Everything became a wash and I stopped properly listening to music a lot of the time. Recently I have enforced the 'album' rule. That is, if I listen to something, I must listen to the whole album in question. I may not enforce a genre on myself every month but the general thrust of intentionality in my listening will continue.

Next up at the Cobra Bar was Group Seizure. They do a noisy electro rock thing and do it very well. There were some parallels with bands like Future of the Left, mainly because the keyboardist uses a Roland Juno to great effect like Andy Falkous. We went to the Tote on a whim and these two bands rocked out like nothing else and repaid our trust in this fine hotel with interest.

It was now about 12.30am, and we had to walk into the city because we missed the trams back in. We were delayed from leaving the pub immediately due to the purchase of the last two tickets to The Dirtbombs show at the Tote on the 29th. Even if the rest of the night turned out to be a waste of time (which it didn't), this achievement alone would have made the trip from Croydon worthwhile.

A stop at McDonald's on Alexandra Parade was more disappointing than usual, as I discovered that everyone's favourite family restaurant no longer sells the McOz burger. I was ravenous so when the girl serving me said she'd put through a double quarter pounder meal instead of what I ordered I emphatically said it was okay so I could inhale it as soon as possible.

The McOz burger was the crowning achievement of McDonald's in my eyes. It has become necessary to eat at Maccas more than I'd like (more or less not at all) since being in a band that gigs and sees you driving past the inviting golden arches in the wee hours of the morn. Last Thursday I ended up at the Nunawading Maccas when I should have been in bed and it wasn't available there either, but I thought it might have been a mistake - a temporary problem with the beetroot supply, perhaps.

Alas, no. So it was time to send a disgruntled letter to McDonald's.

To Whom It May Concern,

I have been disappointed in recent weeks to discover that the McOz is no longer served in your restaurants.

I realise that I must be one of a select few wise enough to consistently order the McOz but as you continue to serve Fillet-O-Fish I get the impression that you hold your niche customers in high regard.

I would like an explanation as to why this glorious burger - this apex of human endeavour - is no longer being served. Is it just sales? Is there a beetroot shortage that makes it impossible for one of the world's largest and most profitable companies to order the sacred purple root? My future as a McDonald's customer hangs on how you answer this question.

Thank you for your time.

Regards,

Daniel Kahn.

I sent that on Sunday night. On Monday morning I received this cursory reply from McDonald's Customer Service.

Dear Daniel

Thank you for your email. Unfortunately the McOz Burger has been deleted off the menu as it was a low seller. We are sorry for your disappointment regarding the deletion of this burger and will forward your feedback onto the Operations Department for their information. At present there are no plans to run the burger again. Once again we would like to thank you for feedback.

Regards
McDonald's Customer Service

How can burgers be deleted, but also run? They must perceive their food, like their staff, as computer programs. Damn Maccas. Give me my beetroot burger! It is not too much to ask! It's just beetroot! I have visions of my future where I am a crazy old man with bifocals and a cheeky little moustache, who does not care whatsoever about the opinions of others, and brings a can of beetroot into the restaurant to make the necessary addition every visit.

But back onto topic. After the disappointing Maccas stop we were headed to the Pony for the free 2am Children Collide show. As their first song was coming to a close the stage experienced a blackout, which took 10 minutes or so to resolve. Once power was back on the stage, they started the show from the top. This was a curious decision, but one probably justified by the fact the show was being filmed. Their music, while relatively unimaginative, was supported by a very energetic live show which was great to watch, especially in a semi-inebriated state. Frontman Johnny looks like a young Steve Buscemi with a Thurston Moore haircut. Just putting it out there.

In Canadian music news, Godspeed You! Black Emperor have split up. Founder Efrin Menuck has cited "an existential freakout" relating to the Iraq war as the reason for the split. More details in this NME article.

Being Santa

2007-12-21T18:37:00.000+11:00

Immediately I felt white hot dread churning and bubbling in my stomach. I had just received a phone call from a friend who worked in the local music shop. Would I, he asked, be interested in spreading Christmas cheer around the local shopping precinct? Would I be capable of handing out lollies to children and generally making merry?

He was asking me, at the ripe old age of twenty-one, if I wouldn’t mind being Santa.

My mind flipped from the joy that the thought of being a young Santa brought me – it definitely falls into the category of One Of Those Jobs – and the horror I felt about the children who I was concerned wouldn’t have a bar of it, and then turned to the frustration at the thirty degree days I would have to spend in a suit lined with white fur.

The only cultural representation of a young Santa that came to my mind was Disney’s 1998 debacle I'll Be Home for Christmas, starring Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Thomas’ character had been left in a desert far from home, dressed in a Santa suit by bullies. He had to make it home before 6pm on Christmas Eve so he could receive the vintage Porsche that his father was to give him if he demonstrated respect to his stepmother.

Of course he demonstrated respect to his stepmother so he got the car. Not only that, he ended up going out with Jessica Biel, so my whole memory of the film is tainted with jealousy and rage.

Friends who I told about the job alternately laughed in disbelief or said it was one of the better things they’d ever heard. Some did both. The prospect of me being a Santa in the vein of Billy Bob Thornton in Bad Santa was raised and I certainly entertained the idea of upping my alcohol intake and being an out-and-out curmudgeon during the week.

The day before my first outing as Santa was the deadline for picking up the suit. I returned home to discover that Tony Robinson’s The Worst Christmas Jobs In History was being screened on ABC TV that night and could not help but identify with all the positions being explored.

I also discovered I had been provided with insufficient padding which I did not bother to augment. This resulted in comments during the week by passers-by who consistently said, ‘Too young and too thin’ or ‘Gee, Santa’s a bit skinny this year!’

I walked up to a woman and her young son who were sitting at a café table outside. She said, ‘Do you know the origin of Santa Claus?’ I mumbled something about Saint Nicholas, but she cut me off. She had pamphlets ready.

‘Santa Claus is based on the Pagan god of the sun Nimrod, which they believed came into the chimneys of houses to start fires. He was worshipped by the burning of babies in sacrifice. If you knew the true origins of Santa, you’d take that suit off quick smart.’

My position today remains how I responded to her then, ‘I’ll take it off if they stop paying me.’

In a passive aggressive act of protest, I then attempted to hand her son one of the bags of lollies that I was giving to children on the street.

‘My son doesn’t take lollies from strangers.’

‘And so he shouldn’t. Merry Christmas!’

In a return gesture of aggressive aggression, every time I walked past that café during my week of Santa duty she would loudly ejaculate, ‘Fire God!’ to the bemusement of all within earshot.

I was stopped by a fifty-something, heavyset man sitting on a bench who asked me where the free tastings were happening. I replied that I didn’t know, and we agreed that it was weird that there were not many children around.

He told me I should sit next to him, which was a middle point on a thoroughfare between a train station and more shops. ‘And if you don’t see any young kids, just watch the eighteen and nineteen year old kids. It’s a parade. Beautiful.’ He smacked his lips and I bid him farewell.

I was required to spend an hour in front of a camera shop having photos taken. Naturally, the target audience is children, but all comers were welcome. This included a woman with two full-size poodles with Santa hats secured to their heats with elastic under their chins and a bald man in his thirties called Tony.

My fears about most children not swallowing my act were unfounded. To make a child stop believing in Santa you would have to take the beard, wig and hat off in front of them, and shout ‘it’s all crap and you’re bloody old enough!’ Being a young Santa was not problematic at all for them.

But it was still an issue for some. While the photos were being taken one day, a sixty-year-old woman walked past where I was sitting. She looked genuinely disappointed that I was such a young Father Christmas, as if at her age she grasped that Santa couldn’t be in the North Pole and a suburban shopping strip at the same time.

And then there were the children who were ‘on the turn’, as we say in the biz. A girl who asked ‘Are you Santa? You’re not Santa, are you?’ staring into my eyes with the steely gaze of someone whose world is crashing down around them. I briskly walked away.

Or the boy who loudly screamed, ‘You’re not the real Santa! I know you’re not the real Santa!’

But for every kid that vocally displays their youthful cynicism, there’s a child like Liam, who loves Santa to the point of drawing a picture especially for the big man.

And even though the hat looked suspicious to my immature mind, I knew it’d been worthwhile.

Peace.

Starting Dostoyevsky

2007-11-15T22:38:00.001+11:00

So I've finished uni. Those 7000 words are done and dusted and by 6 December I will know if I have passed and received the degree. In an effort to stay intellectually active to some degree, I'm reading The Brothers Karamazov, inspired by nothing less than the lyric in TISM's 'All Homeboys Are Dickheads':

"Know your enemy well enough
And you will pity them instead" -
In The Brothers Karamazov
That's what Dostoyevsky said;
And pity soon will turn to love
Is what Jesus Christ once knew:
They both changed their minds the day when
They met a homeboy crew.

It's the first Dostoyevsky I've read, so I'm looking forward to being persuaded by his genius, so I become another sycophant ringing the bell of canonical literature. The bell that rings itself. In other literature news, I've decided to follow the 'Barry Jones' method of reading In Search Of Lost Time, which is: finish volume one as an undergraduate, then rip through the rest in your mid-fifties.

In preparation for the Falls Festival I'm listening to a few albums by bands that I hadn't gotten into much before the line-ups were announced. One that's particularly grabbed me is Cruel Guards by the Panics. My only contact with them previous to this album was the 2003 single 'Kid You're A Dreamer' which I enjoyed when it came on the radio, but it didn't really grab me. This more due to my impatience with that style of music on my part than any vast musical shift that the band has made in the intervening period.

I purchased the right to download the latest Radiohead like a lot of people, and it was really disappointing to find out recently that the CD release of Radiohead's In Rainbows will be released with tracks on it that were not included in the download. I paid about the least you could, mainly because I'm unconvinced that paying money for physically intangible files is something I should be doing.

Like a parent aiming to guilt a child into behaving in line with their principles: 'Radiohead, I am not angry. I am simply disappointed'. A great write-up that considers the state of musical things prompted by the demise of OiNK is on blog demonbaby.

The election's up next week. I won't be in my home electorate on the day so I'm placing a pre-poll vote some time during the coming week. It's the first federal election that I'll be voting in, so I'm kind of stoked. I'd be very pleased if Tintin beat Sheen, but feel that it's going to be similar to 1998. Labor will get the popular vote but the Coalition will hold on to the seats like Eden-Monaro and Nirvana-Telstar, so they'll get back in. Please prove me wrong, Australia.

Shameless Plug

2007-11-01T15:09:00.000+11:00

Ends and Means

2007-10-29T02:26:00.000+11:00

Seeing as the last post set a new precedent in nonsense, I have decided to take a more conventional approach to this entry.

I'm finishing up with uni this year. There's just 7000 more words to write across three subjects and I will be a Bachelor of Arts. Yeah. Another one of those. So it's more than appropriate to bumble through a blog about changes, spacemen and other Bowie subjects.

It's a funny thing, uni. Several times during the degree I have been unimaginably pissed off with it and wanted to throw in the towel, but then I'd have a great lecture or do an essay that let me engage with my studies and made everything seem worthwhile again.

The fact I'm not pursuing further studies in the areas of my first degree (including Honours) points towards an equally and possibly truthier truth, that I really only went to uni because it's the right thing for a white middle class kid to do and I stayed there because of fear and, in recent months, the fact I was so close to finishing that it'd be 'stupid to stop now'.

As Arts has taught me to disapprove of dichotomies, the truth lies somewhere between the two. (But definitely leans more on the side of the second explanation.) It is also stupid to talk of uni as if it has finished because it all hinges on those 7000 words, which I have two weeks to write.

Nothing really grabbed me intellectually in terms of my two majors in History and English language, probably because I didn't respect the disciplines in terms of putting enough time into researching things in History or developing an understanding of x-bar theory in Syntax, for example. Don't ask.

The Arts degree is a well-rounded education precisely because of the corners it teaches you to cut. Discuss.

Uni has been best for the people I've met, the student theatre I've done and the emotional trauma it has caused in me that has made me grow as a person. Which, because those things were why I went to uni in the first place, makes this degree a mitigated success. Another crowning achievement of this level of education is making me bugger around with clichés in a manner that is jarring to the reader.

I'm doing another radio show at the moment. It's on SYN again, but instead of being at sparrow's fart on Sunday morning, it's from 10am - midday on Saturday morning. The frequency is 90.7FM or you can listen via the website already linked in this paragraph.

It's much the same as the old show was, but I've interviewed a few people already and will have more content as the weeks roll by. It's great to be at a more reasonable time so I don't have to talk in a monotone and play a lot of music, although there still is an awful lot of that. I would send you to the show page on the Student Youth Network site, but I don't have one because I joined the block late. Pirate radio, with permission of management, until Christmas.

Along with radio, the last weekend was pretty full on band-wise, with three gigs in four nights. I broke my tambourine at the gig on Sunday. This is but one indication that the band is increasingly more rock'n'roll in general: Parko has also started to cut his hands up unintentionally at gigs by playing bloody hard. He's got a white strat so his guitar ends up looking very Andrew W.K. by the end of each gig with blood streaks all over it.

The Robot Invasion debut five track EP is very close to being done. The artwork is looking great, the final touches to the mix are being done and the launch is set for 22 November at The Arthouse.

Also playing with us that night will be some great Melbourne bands we've shared the stage with over the year: San Salvador (with bassist Ben in one of his last gigs before he's in Queensland for good), Rise and Shine and Escapist. It will be a great night. Please come along and bring your friends! Every single one of them.

After the launch, we're over to Perth to play some shows and then home to Melbourne for a couple more gigs before Christmas.

Daft Punk, Art Brut and the Lorne variety of Falls Festival will also be minor highlights of the pre-2008 period.

I'm listening to Girl Talk's Night Ripper from last year at the moment. I originally got it in what originated as preparation for Falls, but the album has become a complete joy that brings the funk train to the station just when it is truly needed.

I'll finish this with a quote recently posted on John Maeda's SIMPLICITY:

"The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do."
Walter Bagehot

Peace.

his vocal chords...

2007-10-22T17:41:00.000+10:00

are made of
Whisky did you hear that Borders is gold
All that going but because Americans The storyteller has always been
simply don't buy books a part of popular culture
you always don't buy not just culture besides
leave behind by youth the whether of is popular
The but super I like the books and the they don't
creative freedom cannot discardé
das boot
you write out again most to something
extinction this is worth
Pradesh, morphosyntax imminently

The Robot Invasion play the Tote Hotel in Collingwood, Thursday 25th October 2007

Radiohead 'In Rainbows'

2007-10-01T13:25:00.001+10:00

The new Radiohead album has been dubbed In Rainbows. It's only available from their website because they've completed the requirements of record deal and are putting this one out themselves. You can pre-order it from now, and go for either a download or the nuts disc box:

DISCBOX
THIS CONSISTS OF THE NEW ALBUM, IN RAINBOWS, ON CD
AND ON 2 X 12 INCH HEAVYWEIGHT VINYL RECORDS.
A SECOND, ENHANCED CD CONTAINS MORE NEW SONGS, ALONG WITH DIGITAL PHOTOGRAPHS AND ARTWORK.
THE DISCBOX ALSO INCLUDES ARTWORK AND LYRIC BOOKLETS.
ALL ARE ENCASED IN A HARDBACK BOOK AND SLIPCASE.

THE ALBUM DOWNLOAD AUTOMATICALLY COMES WITH THIS PACK.
YOU CAN DOWNLOAD THE FILE DIGITALLY FROM THE 10TH OCTOBER 2007.

DISCBOXES ARE BEING MADE TO ORDER AND ARE PRICED AT £40.00 INCLUDING POSTAGE.
SHIPPING WILL BEGIN ON OR BEFORE 3RD DECEMBER 2007.

Right, so I won't be going for the 40 quid option. The download is available from 10 October, with the 'discboxes' being shipped from 3 December.

I'm sure some distribution deal will be done so the physical records and CDs can make their way around to the worldshops, but that pushes the conventional release of the album, for practical purposes, into January next year.

Oh well, new Radiohead!

Tracklisting is thus:

15 STEP
BODYSNATCHERS
NUDE
WEIRD FISHES/ARPEGGI
ALL I NEED
FAUST ARP
RECKONER
HOUSE OF CARDS
JIGSAW FALLING INTO PLACE
VIDEOTAPE

Manchasm

2007-09-27T00:05:00.000+10:00

Future of the Left - Curses (Too Pure)

I've been listening to Future of the Left's Curses on almost unlimited repeat over the last few days. I think it's pretty great. There's biting lyrics, abrasive guitar, killer drums and genocidal bass.

Plus the fresh addition to Andy Falkous's instrumentation - the Roland Juno-60 keyboard (produced from 1982-4), which has also been used by The Cure, Air and Faithless. So how can it work with ROCKrock? Very well, thank you.

'Manchasm' ('a chasm of men') is my favourite song on the album. The best part of a the song is the round at the end that goes 'Colin is a pussy, a very pretty pussy, Colin is a pussy, a very pretty pussycat'. I didn't notice the 'cat' at the end of the second bit, so I thought they were singing about some tosser from Cardiff.

It goes on for a while, with the absurdity increasing exponentially, which originally confirmed my notion that they were bagging out some bloke. However, it is actually about drummer Jack Egglestone's cat Colin. Falco wanted it to be about his cat called Chicken, but he'd already used the word 'chicken' on the album plus it does sound better to say 'Colin is a pussy'. Who'd have thought Welsh rockers would be so passionate about their pets? Does bass player Kelson Mathias (formerly of Jarcrew) have a cat he loves too? Is it mentioned surreptitiously on the album as well?

At the start of 'Manchasm' they do sing about someone from Cardiff. A bloke who co-owns the rehearsal studios they use who just happens to share a name with a disgraced US Congressman. All the lines go 'Mark Foley was right...' and then say things that Mark Foley has said, like 'there are no ghosts in this town', 'there is no reason to fear' and 'there are no barriers for medicine'. Cardiff Mark Foley had not said any of these quotes before the song was written, but Falco put him up to it before they recorded so the song was not a lie.

Lead single 'Adeadenemyalwayssmellsgood' brings paradiddles to the fore, no doubt impressing many drummers. Well not impressing, exactly, as 'there are no bold statements in the paradiddle', according to Falco. But there's a bold statement in the riff. It's vast, majestic and loud as.

'The Contrarian' is a quiet song featuring piano, sitting at the close of Curses as the surprise of the album. It has a great mood of optimistic melancholy, and is a very appropriate way to finish it off. Great that Falco is releasing new new things, rather than just new things. It pushes this album from 'awesome' to 'whoa'. Is 'whoa' actually above awesome on the exaggeration scale? It is for the purposes of this post.

All the info in this blog as distinct from opinion was sourced from the Too Pure podcast where BBC's Huw Stephens interviewed Falco. The second link is the audio of the interview. It contains a lot of snippets of the songs so you can have a listen before you commit to anything.

It is a very solid debut, with the best description delivered by Falco. Curses is 'a record of furious commitment'.

I'm a big fan of Falco and Egglestone's last band mclusky, as long time readers of this blog and pained friends alike will be aware. Recently I've gotten into Shellac, a band that make mclusky make more musical sense in the same way that listening to The Sonics makes sense of The Hives and The Black Keys (esp. 'Have Love Will Travel', of course, cos the Keys covered the Sonics on their Rubber Factory).

The Sonics, Shellac, The Black Keys, The Hives: Making Sense of Modern Rock and Roll

'Makes more musical sense' in that they're all still beautiful original artists, and children dancing under the sun, but when their influences become clearer you get more out of their music.

Just like to understand the Sonics, you've got to listen to Little Richard, and to understand Little Richard you have to listen to Mahalia Jackson, and then you do a U-turn and pass back through, going through Aretha Franklin, and then every single soul singer post-1956, by which time you should grab a cup of coffee and sit in the sun for a while.

Animal Collective - Strawberry Jam (Domino US)

Eighth album from Animal Collective Strawberry Jam has also hopped into my consciousness recently. It's glitchy, noisy and poppy, similar the rest of their work but with a clear progression towards self-actualisation as a band, which also involves them becoming more accessible. Or perhaps that's just because my tastes are getting extreme these days.

Lead single 'Peacebone' sounds like an Atari shitting itself in a melodic way, and it feels like it would fall apart if not for the vocals.

'Unsolved Mystery' centres around a processed acoustic guitar sample turned into bass, turned into guitar, turned into magic. The start of 'Chores' almost sounds like a Ray Charles song, but it quickly turns into insane pop, and a section that says 'ever' lots. I'm talking downtown.

It was at this point that I realised I didn't have enough words to put across what I think of Animal Collective. So I mashed paragraphs into one so they seemed like they had more substance, and weren't just bullet points pretending to be coherent sentences.

Anywho, they still can't really sing, but they definitely work as their name suggests: more than the sum of their parts. Synergy. Dynamism. Groupwork. Animal Collective.

Adam Green - Gemstones (Rough Trade)

Additionally, I must put in a vote of support for Adam Green's Gemstones. It's not an Album of The Moment - it was released in 2005, but it's an album of my moment, which makes it okay to write about.

Green sings about gross stuff, but does so in a old school croon that makes you constantly wonder to yourself: 'did he really just sing "red bricks drop from her vagina"?!!' I guess that would be the constant wonder if you were stuck in a moment listening to 'Carolina' in perpetuity, but you get what I mean.

Green's songwriting is great, very folky most of the time (though he was part of that whole anti-folk thing in New York, where people who were tired of not getting respected by folk clubs got together in one spot and performed to each other) and it is also reminiscent of Elvis and Neil Diamond at a couple of points, especially in 'Over The Sunrise'. Good times never seem so good.

I was listening to it in the car on a the beginning of a four hour trip to play with The Robot Invasion. You didn't really think I'd get through an entire blog without mentioning the band, did you? We've got over 1000 friends on MySpace now. We're a real band! Anyway, point is, it's a great car CD. It doesn't make you drive too fast like some rock albums do, but it makes you feel naughty. And that's a great thing in a long car trip.

If nothing else, Gemstones lets you feel like you're shouting 'are we there yet?' when you're the driver.

Regurgitator - Love and Paranoia (Valve/Regurgitator)

This Occasional Massive Music Review would go incomplete if I did not write about the new album from Regurgitator, the band that got me through my teenage years and was the topic of quite a few early Not The Herald Sun posts.

That was back in the day when I thought Gosh! He's a bit weird, isn't he? was a pithy title for an entire blog. At least some things change for the better. But I digress!

Love and Paranoia is hugely electronic in the sense that it echoes 1980s music, which Gurge also did on their 1999 album Art. It is also like Art in that it takes a few listens to make sense of it, but is very worthwhile effort in the end.

Opener and lead single 'Blood and Spunk' does what singles should do. It embodies what makes Gurge great - ridiculously catchy songs and immature and slightly off-putting lyrics. Irrelevantly, I keep imagining that it sounds like LCD Soundsystem's 'North American Scum'. Just me then?

Over 1908s palm muted guitar Quan offers the opinion that 'Phil Collins is a fucking genius' in 'Destroy This Town', saying 'who knows if he really means it?' He goes on to laud 'Sussudio' - it makes his heart stop beating. It's very reminiscent of American Psycho, which I read very recently. In the movie Patrick Bateman talks about Genesis and Phil Collins for a couple of minutes, but in the book an entire chapter is devoted to it.

Gurge recorded this album in Rio De Janiero, with new member Seja Vogel from Brisbane's Sekiden. Seja's fingerprint is all over the album with her keys playing a fresh role in the band.

In 'Romance of the Damned', another album highlight, Quan and Seja sing a call-and-response duet about demented lovers stalking each other, intent on holding onto false hope that everything will work out when they're both clearly unhealthy. Cool.

Seja's solo song 'Magnetic' sounds like nothing has changed in the history of popular alternative song in Australia since 1996. Which, to shoehorn in a Morrissey reference for open-minded chic, is good or bad, all depending on my general mood.

'Drinking Beer is Awesome!' is Ben Ely's crappy political song of the album. It's not as bad as 'He's A Punk', the abysmal b-side to the single 'Bong In My Eye', but it's still pedestrian and obvious, referencing avian influence and probably trying to imitate drunken superficiality with the chorus 'We've got personality, charm and personality' but it just comes off as naff.

Ben tries the political thing again with 'Hurricane' and pulls it off very well. A multilayered job it walks the tightrope between silly lyrics and great music. 'Sun Comes Through My Window' was recorded by Ben at home and is Afro-Cuban nonsense of the highest order.

Love and Paranoia is not as diverse or as well realised as the best Regurgitator albums, but it's still a very interesting and worthwhile release. Hey, they're still awesome live.

Regurgitator are on tour throughout Australia from 4 October supported by New Pants from China and I Heart Hiroshima From Brisbane. They are also playing at the 2007 Falls Festival in Lorne and Marion Bay.

Hear the one about the flatulent sailor?

2007-09-14T14:20:00.000+10:00

SUBJ: HMAS CERBERUS OHSIR 34/07 - DRESSING GOWN INCIDENT
HMAS CERBERUS OHSIR 34/07
061628K SEP 07, 7 BLOCK TRAINEES ACCOMMODATION, DANGEROUS OCCURRENCE.
TRAINEES SKYLARKING
DANGEROUS OCCURRENCE
5.A. TRAINEE IGNITING FLATULENCE WHEN RESULTANT FLAME TOOK HOLD ON SERVICE ISSUE DRESSING GOWN BEING WORN AT THE TIME. TRAINEE DISCARDED GOWN AND TRIED TO STAMP OUT THE FIRE. SMOKE FROM FIRE SET OFF FIRE ALARM AND CERBERUS FIRE CREW RESPONDED EXTINGUISHING SMOULDERING GOWN ON ARRIVAL. SMOKE IN CABIN THEN VENTILATED WITH PPV FANS. FIRE CAUSED DAMAGE TO BEDDING, CARPET AND SOME CLOTHING ITEMS ON FLOOR.

5.B. NIL INJURY SUSTAINED.
EXCEPTIONAL VIOLATION - FAILED TO ADHERE TO REGULATIONS.
DISCIP ACTION TO FOLLOW NOTING DAMAGE TO CABIN. WHILST A FOOLHARDY ACT CONCERNS EXIST FOR THE FLAMMABILITY OF THE SERVICE ISSUED DRESSING GOWN. ANECDOTAL EVIDENCE DURING INVESTIGATION SUGGESTS DRESSING GOWNS HAVE EASILY CAUGHT FIRE ON OTHER OCCASIONS WHILST SKYLARKING WITH CIGARETTE LIGHTERS. DETAILS OF INCIDENT DRESSING GOWN ARE:

A. NSN: 8420-66-143-2483 (NAVY BLUE WITH EMBROIDERED RAN LOGO)
B. MANUFACTURER: PENG CHENG INDUSTRIES PTY LTD (MADE IN AUSTRALIA 1998)
C. CONTENT - 95 PERCENT COTTON, REMAINING 5 PERCENT NYLON.
(1)YES
(2)YES
(3)NO.
HRI(P)4 (PRE MITIGATION) HRI(P)19(POST MITIGATION) HRI(F)N/A, HRI (M)N/A, HRI(E)N/A
REMAINING (IN STOCK) NAVY ISSUE DRESSING GOWNS ARE 100 PERCENT COTTON HOWEVER DUE TO SUPPLY DIFFICULTIES 900 ALTERNATELY SUPPLIED GOWNS HAVE BEEN PROCURED FOR CERBERUS BY JLU(VIC) FOR TRAINEE ISSUE. THESE GOWNS ARE 100 PERCENT POLYESTER. INVESTIGATION INTO FLAMMABILITY OF THE DRESSING GOWNS CONTINUES. IT IS WITHIN THE CAPABILITY OF COMMAND TO REDUCE THE RISK TO ALARP.
POC: BOHSCO 03 59XX XX07 XXXXXX.XXXXX(AT)DEFENCE.GOV.AU.

(Like most of my good content, ripped straight from Crikey.)

U.F.O.s, etc.

2007-09-13T18:48:00.000+10:00

The Flaming Lips' live DVD U.F.O.s at the Zoo turned up in my letterbox today. Watching it reminded me of the unreserved and joyful experience I had seeing them play at Big Day Out 2004. You will be either pleased or greatly disappointed that I missed Metallica to have the Lips experience.

This is a release on a new format that Warner is putting out, the MVI (for Music Video Interface). Along with the full-length concert, after registering online you can download MP3s of the entire concert plus wallpapers, ringtones and even make your own mix of 'The Yeah Yeah Yeah' song using NU-MYX.

I guess this is the first positive approach to piracy that I've seen this century. Instead of copy-protecting the disk, it is enriched with cool content and user interactivity. It's hardly groundbreaking though - most of the extra stuff reminded me of the added content, including videos and stuff, on Regurgitator's Unit Rebooted from 1998.

But who cares? The main thing that sold this DVD to me was that it came with a laser pointer that says 'The Flaming Lips Will Always Love You!!' which will stay in its wrapping until I sell it on eBay to pay the rent in a couple of years. Here's hoping, anyway.

Last night's Wednesday night of larfs was much better. Notably, The Chaser's War On Everything are back in the good books. That pantomime horse schtick was right up my alley, as was 'Stairway To Kevin'. I think they could have made more of the APEC footage, but it spoke for itself pretty well.

Hey, so four more weeks of uni and then I'm done. If anyone wants to employ an Arts grad with middling marks, an excellent sense of humour and a noble sense of right and wrong, shoot me a line.

I watch television

2007-09-05T23:24:00.000+10:00

Wasn't The Chaser's War On Everything an example of shithouse, middling TV tonight? Maybe it's a momentum thing, and they'll get on top of their game as the series progresses, but I didn't laugh once through the whole thing.

Summer Heights High was pretty cool. I don't like that the characterisation of Mr. G in Summer Heights is so close to Pat in We Can Be Heroes, but the writing is still great and Lilley is still a genius. Word, bro.

The only TV I watch these days is Wednesday night ABC comedy line-up and late-night films on ABC from the mid-twentieth century made by The Rank Organisation or RKO Radio Pictures.

Last night's film was called The Monster (aka I Don't Want To Be Born from 1975) and featured Joan Collins as the mother of a baby who was possessed by the devil. It was engrossingly bad.

Monday night's film was Carry On's Don't Lose Your Head, their very cheesy take on the French revolution. See above for appropriate description.

The best thing about this era of British film is that they make no attempt to portray different accents. All the Frenchmen in Don't Lose Your Head were toff Poms, just like in another ABC late night favourite, The Spanish Gardener (1956) where Dirk Bogardes' complete idea of personifying a Spaniard is a good tan.

In The Robot Invasion news, we're filming some spot for C31 next week. I don't know which show we're on, but apparently the hosts are called Mel and Mel. If you know what this show is, or you are a Mel please comment.

The Warrnambool gig has a poster:

Regional!! We're staying at our drummer's house there for a couple of days to soak up the beach and stuff. Should be awesome.

I bought tickets for Daft Punk in the every-person-and-their-pet presale today. They cost a bit, but it'll be worth it.

Both propositions in the sentence previous were gross understatements.

Wolf/Wolfe

2007-08-22T21:27:00.000+10:00

This semester I'm doing a subject called Historical Theory and Research. It's the prerequisite for the History Honours program at Melbourne Uni, but I'm not planning to do Honours. So why the hell am I doing it? For the same reason I'm doing an Arts degree - to receive a well-rounded education and make me a better person.

The course goes through all sorts of theories and ways of writing history - in the first four weeks we have had a survey of intellectual thought since The Enlightenment, then Marxism, then postmodernism and, last week, gender.

The head lecturer Chips Sowerwine has drinking stories from the 1980s featuring himself, Deputy Vice Chancellor of Melboune Uni Peter McPhee and this chap:

Albert Soboul (1914 - 1982)
French historian, best known for The Civilization of the French Revolution

Says Chips of Soboul. "He had an amazing capacity for red wine." Note: Turns of phrase, promiment French historians, alcohol. All these things and more impress undergraduates.

The lecture today was a doozy - a great one today from Patrick Wolfe on post-colonialism. Not this Patrick Wolf:

He's too busy making critically admired music to lecture undergraduates on intellectual theories.

If you have a keen eye you may have noticed that the spelling of the two names is different, but it hasn't stopped many people using the name of a top lecturer from Victoria University to advertise their musical taste on social networking websites.

This Patrick Wolfe delivered the lecture today.

If you have a keen eye you may have noticed that this is actually Australian actor Colin Friels. Patrick Wolfe looks sort of like Colin Friels. There is no image that came up sufficiently early in my Google Image Search (first five pages or less), so here's Colin, being the representative Wolfe.

Anyway, Wolfe's so good because he knows his stuff through and through and communicates it effectively and in an interesting way. Simple enough, but so good when it actually happens.

But yeah, post-colonialism is basically the supreme pinko theory for social sciences in the academy. Its aim is to recognise all of the Western influence in your white, male, heterosexual writing, and also choke it so that former colonies can write histories about themselves and stuff. That sounds like crap, eh? But it was interesting for an hour and a half just before!

And in other news...

We, The Robot Invasion, just finished recording the debut EP. It's getting mixed at the moment and should be in physical compact disk form by the end of September.

We're also in the National Campus Band Competition of 2007. This year it's the NEWS.com.au National Campus Band Competition instead of the Jim Beam National Campus Band Competiton, which is has been since I started uni. We're playing the Swinburne heat at The Glenferrie Hotel in Hawthorn next Wednesday (29 August). Doors at 7pm. Come and support us!

This won't be the last time I remind you.

I bought a new Apple keyboard. It probably falls into the not-completely-necessary purchase category, but I spilt coffee on my last one, and the tab key stopped working. That's pretty disastrous for entering passwords into websites. I tolerated it for a couple of months, so the time had definitely come to get a new one.

That's all for now. Peace.

W/R/T NT

2007-08-07T19:20:00.000+10:00

Prime Minister John Howard, June 21: Anybody who's read or examined the report prepared by Pat Anderson and Rex Wild entitled Little Children Are Sacred will be sickened and horrified by the level of abuse. They will be deeply disturbed at the widespread nature of that abuse and they will be looking for the responsible assumption of authority by a government to deal with the problem. We are unhappy with the response of the Northern Territory Government ... We regard this as akin to a national emergency ... we therefore believe that the action I'm about to outline is totally justified and warranted given our overarching responsibilities for the welfare of children throughout Australia.

Pat Anderson, coauthor of the Little Children are Sacred report: There is no relationship between the Federal response and our recommendations. We feel betrayed and disappointed and hurt and angry and pretty pissed off at the same time.

(ripped straight from today's Crikey)

Well she would say that, wouldn't she? Bloody pinko experts who write reports don't know shit.

This from the report's summary:

What the Inquiry recommended
Education
Education is the key to helping children and communities foster safe, well adjusted families. School is the way to keep future generations of Aboriginal children safe. Getting children to school every day is essential because:

children are safe when they are at school
school is a venue for educating children about child sexual abuse and protective behaviours
education provides opportunity, empowerment and achievement and offers a way to overcome the social and economic problems which contribute to violence
children can confide in their teachers.

The Inquiry urged the government to improve Aboriginal education systems, including local language development, to make education more effective for Aboriginal children.

A range of education campaigns
Education campaigns are recommended to inform people about:

child sexual abuse and what to do about it
mandatory reporting of child sexual abuse
the impact of alcohol, pornography and gambling on communities, families and children
the value of education, and encouraging a culture of parental and community commitment to sending children to school.

Alcohol
Alcohol is destroying communities. The Inquiry recommended urgent action be taken to reduce alcohol consumption in Aboriginal communities.

Family and Community Services (FACS) and the Police
Both need to work more closely with each other and with communities. It is important FACS and the Police build the trust of communities so everyone can work together to combat child sexual abuse. The Inquiry has also proposed an Advice Hotline so anyone who is concerned about possible child sexual abuse can call someone for confidential information and advice.

Family support services
Family support services need to be improved, particularly in Aboriginal communities, as this will help to strengthen families and keep children safe and healthy.

Empowerment of Aboriginal communities
The Inquiry’s report suggests ways in which this can happen including the role which men and women can play, the introduction of community justice groups and better dialogue between mainstream society and Aboriginal communities.

Commissioner for Children and Young People
The Inquiry recommends that the government appoint a senior, independent person who can focus on the interests and wellbeing of children and young people, review issues and report to Parliament.

Bus Game, Updoot

2007-07-12T11:21:00.000+10:00

When we were on the bus between Boston and NYC me old mate and travelling compadre Doug suggested that we play a game. Unlike other bus games, or suggestions by Doug, this was a good one. What you do is create a list of overlapping band names. For example, LCD Soundsystem of a Down works because LCD Soundsystem and System of a Down are both band names. Kappisch? Excellente. I was going to put them into a list in order of goodness but decided to just place them on the page as they fell. The claim is not that the game is original - Doug reckons he heard it on Triple J, so some of the creations probably won't be original either. But they're still cool.

LCD Soundsystem of a Down

Crowded House of Pain

... Trail of the Dead Kennedys

NOFXzibit

Mirwais Cube (say it, damn you. Doug wasn't for this one, but it's a goer, I says)

New Kids On The Bloc Party (barely passable, also mine)

They Might Be Giants of Science

Ratcat Stevens

TV On The Radiohead

You Am I Am Kloot

Reverend Runaway Boys

Beastie Boyz II Men At Work (another minor spelling change - permissible)

Velvet Underground Lovers

Something For Kate Miller-Heidke

Dinosaur Jr. Senior

Gotye yeah yeahs (Doug's borderline masterpiece)

MSTRKRFTwerk

Joss Stone Roses

Radio Birman O' War

Clannadam Green

Mama Kasabian Curtis (poetry, so it passes)

Americarus Line

Vanilla Ice Cube

Lee "Scratch" Perry Como

Jon Spencer Blues Explosions in the Skyhooks

Megadeth In The Family

Placebo Diddley

P.J. Harvey Danger Mouse

Jebediah Straits

U2 Many DJs

Ben Folds Five For Fighting

Caesar's Palice In Chains (yes, spelling, but what the hey!)

I'm back in Melbourne in under a week now. The trip has been awesome. I may write more of consequence, but I think this is more important than letting you know about my travels.

Go see The Robot Invasion feat. Substitute Me (Matt Sharpe) at Ruby's Lounge in Belgrave this Sunday! Get there early! We play at 8pm! Tell the sound guy you love us and we will love you too.

To all else, peeeeeeeace!!

Wilco and that...

2007-06-30T09:36:00.000+10:00

Went with a new brother in arms to Wilco last night at The Pavillion in Boston. I can't be arsed writing about it, but it was a great gig, so check out good reviews at the blog Random Musings and the Boston Globe if you want info or somesuch with enthusiasm that I just can't muster cos I'm still tiiiiiired.

Yep, still strugglin' with getting into the swing of nights being days and days being nights with the lights all round the wrong way.

Yesterday we went to Little Italy in the North End of Boston which was awesome. We had a walking tour, then I got the greatest sandwich known to humanity from a butcher. In the arvo we had a meeting with some editors from The Christian Science Monitor, which is a proper legitimate daily - they have an interesting history which means they cannot change the name.

Today we went to the JFK museum in the morning. It wasn't a museum as much as it was a shrine to JFK, but it was wonderfully presented and still very enjoyable. Arvo saw us checking out Harvard. It's everything you'd expect and has an awesome bookshop called the Coop. Yeah, it's meant to be the co-operative but because Americnas are alergic to hyphens they actually call it the coop, like bird coop. Ick.

Anywho, the important thing is I bought Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse-Five and Coetzee's Disgrace from The Coop for fourteen bucks apiece, and the history of the Blue Note label from a second-hand bookshop for five bucks. Cool day.

Tomorrow's Salem. Watch out, witches.

Boston In

2007-06-27T05:55:00.001+10:00

Puns aside, yes, in Boston and that. Left Oz Saturday morning, feels like an age or two have passed. Spent Saturday night in Narita, went into Tokyo proper on Sunday and checked out Meiji Shrine and Tokyo Dome Land, a theme park. Spent Sunday night in Narita, in the hotel bar until it closed then to a karaoke bar where we spent the night with a British Airways and Qantas crew singing tunes.

Got to airport Monday afternoon, found out our flight from Tokyo to Detroit was sweet but we'd lost the connection to Boston. So we stayed the night in Detroit at a decent hotel, eating possibly the worst dinner ever made served by a lovely waitress. Didn't check out Detroit: The City because I was so buggered from the flight.

I was upgraded to first class for the flight from Detroit to Boston, which sounds more impressive than it was. It was only business class level. Blow that for a joke! I still had a couple of vodka and tonics and ate weird chip things. For free.

Got to Boston about 12.30pm. Went to Old South Meeting House for half of a tour I could hardly comprehend due to tiredness and etc. Made it back to the dorms. Wrote this blog. Trying to stay up so I can get into US time. Not working. Brain melting. Extremely hot weather. Bad sentences.

Hi everyone!

About To Leave

2007-06-20T00:22:00.000+10:00

I got the big camera mentioned in the last post. It's ever so fun to use. Here's some shots I've taken so far:

crap in my room

rosellas at a friend's house

And to celebrate my last show before I fly out I filmed myself while doing radio on Sunday.

Peace.

Audit In Progess

2007-06-11T00:17:00.000+10:00

I finished grammar subjects last week. My optimism at the start of the semester that allowed me to think I could attempt two grammar subjects at the same time has been rewarded with almost failing both of them. So yeah, don't do that. Just in case you were going to study two grammar subjects at the same time. I'm sure you could and do well, but I just didn't put time in. There's a bloke with an awesome moustache who did both of those classes at the same time - think a young 'Weird' Al Yankovic with short straight hair - and I'm sure he's aced them. Good work, dude. His moustache is better than Weird Al's too.

Time for a poem. A poem that isn't a poem. A poem that gets drunk on the weekend and vomits in the taximeter cabriolet of Western civilisation.

Of Concern

One essay to do.
God and the Natural Sciences.
Intelligent Design.
Got books.
Haven't started.
Going to.
Tomorrow.

This week I enter get ready for Americaville. I need picturetaker and shorts. That's a camera and short pants. Plus other stuff, but they're the important things. Picturetaker and shorts.

For the picturetaker, I'm oscillating between picking commonsense in the Canon Ixus range and choosing the phallus-like photographic beast that is the Panasonic DMC-FZ50. If you've got any advice, please comment. I'm after something that has a rechargable lithium ion battery pack and is generally awesome. They're the only considerations currently. On the off-chance you know someone in Melbourne who wants to sell a kick arse second-hand camera that meets those requirements please jump in touch.

I'm pumped about going to Tokyo again and drinking there. I'm 20 so I'm going to have trouble drinking like a nightfox in the public houses of our American cousins. Getting paraletic overseas is not my idea of a larf anyways. I'll hopefully do some international blogging if something particularly awesome happens while I'm away. Well, I will throw some text on the internet, but there's no guarantee it'll be great.

Onto The Robot Invasion! Something I have to mention each time I entrée into the blogosphere. We are a band that will change your life. An experience that must be seen, heard, felt and rembered. One which cannot be beat(en)! Now with forum! You should be able to catch us next Thursday (21 June) at the Arthouse in Melbourne, but I'll give more details as they come to hand. That'll be the last gig before I go away, so recognise it for the momentous occasion it is and come along!

I'm listening to quite a bit of Yura Yura Teikoku at the moment. It's psychedelic pop rock business in Japanese. Rather, rather good. They played in Australia recently - Melbourne, at least, at East Brunswick Club and The Tote, but I totally missed them. And I am dishappy about it. So check out their 1998-2004 compilation if you reckon it's the sort of thing you'd be into. MP3s of them are available in and around that linked site.

Radio's finishing this Sunday. No more Coffee and Toast for all the kids, but I'll stick around doing stuff at SYN FM. Perhaps massaging the buttons for people who need it. That would be grand. I do like radio-flavoured fun and now I've started I don't foresee stopping.

P.S. Look at this. Thank you to Robot Rich for bringing it into my life.

SYN FM Wants Your Money

2007-05-23T18:22:00.000+10:00

Hey folks.

You're awesome people. That new cologne you're trying doesn't even smell cheap!

As you probably know, I present a show on SYN FM. Our Donation Drive is running from Friday 25 May to Friday 1 June. Please consider giving a couple of bucks to the organisation because we need it and you'll get good karma. Yes, you!

Nothing explains things like a generic message, so take it away, facelessnamelessman!

One of these kids is not like the other one:

• Fairfax Media Ltd – $5.2 billion company
Radio, Magazines, Dating Websites
• News Corp – $81.8 billion company
Newspapers, TV, Websites, NRL
• PBL – $14.5 billion company
TV, Websites, Casinos
• SYN – Independent, not-for-profit organisation
TV, Radio, Websites, No Casinos

In fact only one of these is a kid. And it needs your support.

SYN is a young and critical player in Australia's media landscape. We're all aged 12-25, create radio all day long, make TV for five hours a week, and we're always online at www.syn.org.au.

SYN has been punching above its weight for nearly four years, but still needs your help. So if SYN helped you:

• get a laugh
• get an insight into how the whipper snappers think these days
• get a new perspective
• get a grip on real, gloss-free local culture

… then re-pay the favour and support SYN's donation drive: www.syn.org.au/donate. All donations are tax deductible.

Please consider forwarding this on to others.

Thank you for your support.

--
STUDENT YOUTH NETWORK Inc.
www.syn.org.au

Reception: +61 3 9925 4747
Fax: +61 3 9925 4746

E-mail: info@syn.org.au

During the day, I can be found here...
The House of SYN
16 Cardigan Street, Carlton

If you wish to send me something, send it here...
SYN
P.O. Box 12013
A'Beckett Street
Melbourne VIC 8006

Thanks!

And don't forget about The Robot Invasion gig on Sunday! The Tote, 7pm. $5 Entry.

Oh, and send me $1000. This last part is especially compulsory. All of you.

And if you want proper charities to give your hard-earned to, try this one, or this one, or this one. But give to SYN FM too!

All Syntax and no blog would only make me pass

2007-05-17T20:43:00.000+10:00

Well it's that time of the year again. First semester assignments and exams due like Flint.

The award-winning* blitzkrieg by The Robot Invasion is advancing well. To have the ability to either agree or disagree with me, come along to The Tote on Sunday 27 May. Doors at 7pm. $5. See poster.

'What poster?'

'This poster!'

As you can see, also playing are Rise and Shine and The Tabasco Junkies. (Warning: MySpace links.) We've already told the venue that you're coming, so if you don't it's like you're stealing money from CUB.

The Tote has a special significance because I've never been there, even though it's one of Melbourne's Music Pubs. For some pathetic reason or another it just hasn't happened. Me just being twenty years old is one of those pathetic reasons. Anyway, when mclusky came out to play Australia in 2004 I wasn't quite eighteen and I always regret not trying at all to get to their gig, which was at The Tote. Because, of course, mclusky broke up in January of 2005 to the ire of all sensible music lovers. That's right. If you don't love mclusky, you're an ice smoking Thirsty Merc fan.

I've got the last Syntax assignment due tomorrow. It's all about grammatical relations. Believe me, it's neither as moist nor as exciting as 'relations' would have you believe. My current procrastination regime involves a mixture of diuretics and drinking too much water. Not Shane Warne circa 2005 diuretics, just too much coffee and tea. By the time I get a genuine desire to start on my Syntax assignment it's squashed by an overwhelming need to urinate. I'm talking morning pisses, getting off an aeroplane pisses, a veritable firehose of waters into the water pisses.

Talking about aeroplanes, I've almost got a month to go til the uni trip to the States. We had the first meeting about it last week, with the second and third over the next two Fridays. Useless detail? Probably.

I'm listening to lots of Ween at the moment. It's really helping me with life. You should listen to Ween too. The Mollusk is my favourite album but they're all good records.

It's probably time that I get another cup of java and settle down to wait for the next call, but hey, look after yourself, eat fresh fruit and vegetables and talk to the elderly.

*Currently defined as winning a heat in Ruby's Lounge's Unsigned Battle of the Bands last Sunday.

Coffee & Toast VII, More Comedy Festival, Etc.

2007-04-15T20:08:00.000+10:00

The last show of my Sunday breakfast slot on the first block of SYN FM has come and gone. I'm continuing into block two, so that's another eight weeks of rising at 4.30am to make radio magic. This will be the last playlist I post here, hopefully I'll have a blog up and running on my page on the SYN website before too long, and that seems a much more appropriate place to do such things.

Otis Redding ‘Satisfaction’

Bright Eyes ‘I Must Belong Somewhere’

Burt Kaempfert ‘A Swinging Safari’

Gorillaz ‘Dare’

Beastie Boys ‘Triple Trouble’

The Basics ‘Just Hold On’

Custard ‘Girls Like That (Don’t Go For Guys Like Us)’

The Cure ‘Love Song’

Foo Fighters ‘Generator’

Under The Influence:
Arctic Monkeys ‘When The Sun Goes Down’
The Libertines ‘Don’t Look Back Into The Sun’
The Fratellis ‘Henrietta’

Frenzal Rhomb ‘T.N.T’

Devo ‘Satisfaction’

Augie March ‘There Is No Such Place’

Kings of Leon ‘Charmer’

Frank Zappa ‘Joe’s Garage’

Eels ‘Souljacker’

Dr. Dog ‘The World May Never Know’

The Hives ‘Hate To Say I Told You So’

The Residents ‘Satisfaction’

Groove Armada ‘Purple Haze’

Weezer ‘Burndt Jamb’

Lionel Hampton Quintet ‘Je Ne Sais Pas’

Lyrics Born ‘Callin’ Out’

The Lucksmiths ‘The Chapter In Your Life Entitled San Francisco’

The Living End ‘Fly Away’

Ladysmith Black Mambazo ‘Inkanyezi Nezazi’

Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds ‘Breathless’

Nina Simone ‘Lilac Wine’

The Rolling Stones ‘Satisfaction’

Uni holidays are done and dusted and I'm in the same position I was before they began in terms of work completed. Things are as they ought to be.

I got a freebie to go to the Malthouse this afternoon to hear Geoffrey Rush and Neil Armfield chat about their collaborations and their love of and approach to theatre. Michael Kantor facilitated the discussion and it was a rather worthwhile hour. I'm using Beige English in describing the event as a passive aggressive tactic to express my disappointment at missing out on seeing Exit The King.

Bum Chin The Musical, Wayne Dixon's show at this year's Melbourne Comedy Festival was a hoot. I saw it last Wednesday (11 April). Think The Wizard of Oz meets Monkey and you're pretty close. Dixon relies heavily on technology for the show with animations and music that he produced almost entirely by himself, learning by trial and error as he produced the stuff. It paid off, with particularly effective action sequences and fairly smooth banter between himself and an animated computer that only cocked up a few times. Check it out!

I also saw Dave Jory's show Polished on Wednesday, where I was one of six in the audience. You have to hand it to Dave. He connected to every one of the crowd and entertained for a solid hour. The backpackers (who were two-thirds of the crowd) even asked for an encore. They weren't even that drunk, so that's pretty high praise.

And on Thursday I saw Charlie Pickering's show. Impractical Jokes. This dude is kick-arse at comedy. Like totally, man. Like there was Boiling Point with Michael Chamberlin, and then he did Auto last year, which blew me little mind, but this is top-notch again. An awesome story about the practical jokes his Dad and his Dad's mate used to play on one another. Take your Dad, take your Mum, take Aunt Maude, this is great.

I finished the online song collaboration in case any of you were wondering. I don't like to keep my readers hanging! I may upload it somewhere soon. But that's for Soon to sort out, not me.

All you need to know is that I reckon it sounds kinda crap, but it has been described as 'awesome' and 'a shining example' of what the project can achieve by someone who is not my Mum.

Slow Ride

2007-04-11T13:32:00.000+10:00

Oprah feels alright because when it's half over it feels like you've been working hard to focus on the content with the knowledge that there's another half an hour of work ahead. Phew!

With the knowledge that I can't do anything artistic or academic without a deadline, I'll probably piss away the rest of the week not doing what I could be doing to make my life emotionally easier by the end of next week as opposed to brainally easier now. This includes unapologetically writing long sentences that make you forget the start before the end comes.

Meant to have a song finished for an internet collaboration by the end of the week. I'll probably get there. It probably won't be great. No one will be surprised.

I'm going through Weezer Phase at the moment. Devo Phase I is almost complete. I'd appreciated Weezer at a distance for ages, and always loved their blue self-titled and Pinkerton, but I finally got my hands on Maladroit and the green self-titled in their entirety and they're good. Really good.

Rivers Cuomo's ringbinder The Encyclopedia of Pop certainly came in handy. Or that was just a big wank and he could have written songs that good without Excel spreadsheets proving the fact to him. At least he proved himself to himself so he could get onto it.

Lindt easter eggs are rather good. I've eaten altogether too much chocolate since Sunday. I've been monk-like in my eating habits for a while, and hardly eaten much crap, but then in one week (and a bit) of debaucherous drinking, band gigging, comedy festival attendance and easter, I've gone through almost half a kilo of chocolate, a slab of beer and 6 McDonald's meals. In the words of Mr. John Butler, ''Something gotta give right now, ooo-weee-oooo!"

So far at the comedy festival I've seen three shows. Dave Callan had a great but technically retarded time at his preview for Dance of the Flame Retardant Monkey last Thursday. I'd recommend it cos it's a great show and he'll have a new remote for his computer so the tech side will work and your mind will explode. I'm seeing Wayne Dixon tonight and Daniel Kitson, Danny Bhoy and Rod Quantock next week. 'Tis a good time of the year.

What's with all them comedians doing shows about cuddly stuff like making the world a better place? Andrew McClelland is expounding his Somewhat Ambitious Solution for Making the World a Better Place (in general), Dave Callan's Dance challenges the bullshit we all buy into as does Matt Elsbury's Meaning?. Kudos to them and may the power of humour force people into changing their ways like no Peter Singer rant ever could.

Earlier tonight (that is say, before the Dixon magick) I must forgo Chad Smith playing Wolfgang in Fed Square because I have to go to a meeting for Serie II of SYN FM 2007. Luke Williams from Hack on Triple J was meant to be the special guest but he's not coming anymore. Damn you, Luke Williams!

Coffee & Toast VI

2007-04-08T12:45:00.000+10:00

Second last show. I've got another eight weeks after the last show on 15 April. And I'm changing the name of the show too.

All will be brought to light at the appropriate juncture.

The Black Keys ‘Thickfreakness’

Neko Case ‘John Saw That Number’

The Flaming Lips ‘Psychiatric Explorations of the Fetus with Needles’

Daft Punk ‘Short Circuit’

Dinosaur Jr. ‘Sludgefeast’

You Am I ‘Baby Clothes’

Eric Bibb ‘A Ship Called Love’

Jeff Lang ‘‘Til They Cut Me Down'

TISM ‘Greg!! The Stop Sign!!’

The Mountain Goats ‘Palmcorder Yajna’

Under The Influence
The Beatles 'Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds'
The Beach Boys ‘Wouldn’t It Be Nice’

Blues Explosion ‘Burn It Off’ from Damage

Regurgitator ‘Young Bodies Heal Quickly’

Man Bites God ‘Cubby House’

Beck ‘Peaches and Cream’

Super Furry Animals ‘Golden Retriever’

Neil Young with the Stray Gators ‘Heart of Gold’

Sarah Blasko ‘Don’t U Eva’

The Specials ‘Message To You Rudy’

The Beautiful Girls ‘Freedom Part Two’

Cover To Cover
Led Zeppelin ‘The Lemon Song’
Howlin’ Wolf ‘Killing Floor’

Eskimo Joe ‘Wake Up’

The White Stripes ‘There’s No Home For You Here’

The Fiery Furnaces ‘Chris Michaels’

Angus and Julia Stone 'Sadder Than You'

Mclusky ‘Flysmoke’

Ben Folds ‘Annie Waits’

Ultramagnetic MC's 'Ego Trippin'

Coffee & Toast V

2007-04-01T08:38:00.000+10:00

Third last show for Block 1 today. This might mean a return to content on this blog. Don't hold your breath though.

Morrissey ‘Every Day Is Like Sunday’ from Viva Hate

Jarvis Cocker ‘Fat Children’

The Zutons ‘Why Won’t You Give Me Your Love?’

Kasabian ‘Shoot The Runner’

You Am I ‘Friends Like You’

The Darkness ‘Black Shuck’

David McCormack and the Polaroids ‘The Faith Healer’

Nouvelle Vague ‘Guns of Brixton’

Machine Translations ‘Simple Life’ from Venus Traps Fly

Under the Influence
Radiohead ‘2 + 2 = 5’ from Hail To The Thief
Neu! ‘Weissensee’
My Bloody Valentine ‘When You Sleep’ from Loveless

Modest Mouse ‘Dashboard’ from We Were Dead Before The Ship Even Sank

Billy Bragg and Wilco ‘Way Over Yonder In The Minor Key’ from Mermaid Avenue

Tom Waits ‘Temptation’

Weezer ‘Say It Ain’t So’ from self-titled (blue)

Wilco ‘Hummingbird’ from A Ghost Is Born

Smiling For Beginners ‘Take Me To Cuba’

The Shins ‘Saint Simon’ from Chutes Too Narrow

The Shadows ‘Geronimo’

Sly & The Family Stone ‘Sing A Simple Song’

Cover to Cover
Rage Against The Machine ‘Renegades of Funk’
Afrika Bambaataa ‘Renegades of Funk’

Powderfinger ‘Passenger’

Q And Not U ‘Wet Work’

Sarah Blasko ‘Always On This Line’

67 Special 'Killer Bees'

The Polyphonic Spree ‘Hanging Around The Day Part Two’

Ratcat ‘Don’t Go Now’

Faith No More ‘Epic’

The Robot Invasion gig at Ruby's Lounge in Belgrave is now on the 13th of May. We'll still be on around 11pm, I imagine.

Coffee & Toast IV

2007-03-25T08:43:00.000+10:00

Another week, another playlist. Good show today. You missed out, if you did.

Tito Puente ‘Ricci Ricci’

TISM ‘(He’ll Never Be An) Ol’ Man River’ from Machiavelli and the Four Seasons

J Mascis and the Fog ‘Everybody Lets Me Down’ from Free So Free

Mark Lanegan and Isobel Campbell ‘Deus Ibi Est’ from Ballad of Broken Seas

Groove Armada ‘Suntoucher’ from Goodbye Country (Hello Nightclub)

Xiu Xiu ‘Hello From Eau Claire’ from The Air Force

Ben Kweller ‘Wasted and Ready’ from Sha Sha

Babyshambles ‘La Belle Et La Bete’ from Down In Albion

Björk ‘Venus as a Boy’

Dallas Crane ‘Sit On My Knee’ from Twenty Four Seven

Under The Influence
The White Stripes ‘Hotel Yorba’ from White Blood Cells
Blind Willie McTell ‘Stole Rider Blues’
Nirvana ‘Love Buzz’ from Bleach

Ted Leo and the Pharmacists ‘Who Do You Love?’ from Living With The Living

Art Brut ‘Good Weekend’ from Bang Bang Rock’n’Roll

Dizzee Rascal ‘Fix Up Look Sharp' from Boy In Da Corner

Ex-Girl ‘Waving Scientist @ Frog King’ from Back To The Mono Kero!

Bloc Party ‘Waiting for the 7.18’ from A Weekend In The City

Clinic ‘Walking With Thee’

Eels ‘I Need Some Sleep’

Gorillaz ‘5/4’ from Gorillaz

The Roots with Cody ChesnuTT ‘The Seed 2.0’

Cover To Cover
Red Hot Chili Peppers ‘They’re Red Hot’
Robert Johnson ‘They’re Red Hot’

The Flaming Lips ‘Ego Tripping At The Gates of Hell’

Jebediah ‘Harpoon’

The Robot Invasion ‘Procrastinate’

The International Noise Conspiracy ‘A Small Demand’

Atmosphere ‘Reflections’

Jarvis Cocker ‘Tonite’

Sonic Youth 'Dirty Boots'

Big thank to Manda and Kent for the messages. Normally there's none!

Make sure you come to the Arthouse this Wednesday for some action. The Robot Invasion action, that is. 9pm. $5. Also playing are Didgeree Mackenros and Rubies and Rumours.

You can't go wrong!

Tuesday

2007-03-20T22:47:00.000+11:00

I'm writing because I'm sick of just seeing 'Coffee & Toast' in my posts, and in commemoration of several important things. I have finished one of four exercises for Syntax tomorrow and I needed a reward after such exertion.

Important news is that the battle has been won. I have finished volume one of In Search of Lost Time by Marcel Proust - after two renewals and much consternation.

The last third of the book I didn't bother to read properly, and I won't attempt any more volumes until I have a couple more years through me at least.

It is a masterwork, but it's rather like wading through a marshy swamp. There's a lot of wisdom, but an equal amount of crap. No wonder it's widely admired but little read.

Here's two quotes that I've enjoyed during the week:"To live is to learn to forget." - Descartes

"Fascism will come ... in the guise of National Security." Jim Garrison, District Attorney of Orleans Parish, Louisiana, 1967

The Robot Invasion gig at TLC went well. RIP Sounds Like Chicken. Hooray San Salvador. Here's us rocking out. Thanks to Elle for the photo!

Make sure you (yes, you) come to our next gig at Ruby's in Belgrave on the 29th of April. It's a battle of the bands, and the crowd votes to decide the winner, so you need to be there.

Coffee & Toast III

2007-03-18T13:24:00.000+11:00

I kept bumping the desk with my knee this morning, so you would have gotten more than your money's worth out of 'Gut Feeling' by Devo, and less than your money's worth when Television's 'Marquee Moon' jumped about a minute.

I'd like to blame it on The Robot Invasion gig last night (thanks to all who came), but really, I'd do that sort of thing if I had a full night's sleep. But never again!

The Hold Steady ‘Chips Ahoy!’ from Boys and Girls In America (2006)

78 SAAB ‘Beat of Your Drum’ from Crossed Lines (2005)

The Chemical Brothers ‘The Test (featuring Richard Ashcroft)

Green Day ‘When I Come Around’

Michael Jackson ‘Billie Jean’

Modest Mouse ‘Float On’ from Good News For People Who Love Bad News

Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds ‘Get Ready For Love’ from Abbatoir Blues/The Lyre of Orpheus

Beck ‘Sissyneck from Odelay

Queens of the Stone Age ‘Lost Art of Keeping A Secret’ from Rated R

The Pictures ‘Pissing With The Catman’

Kings of Leon ‘Joe’s Head’ from Youth & Young Manhood

Under The Influence
The Rapture ‘Love Is All’ from Echoes
Television ‘Marquee Moon’ from Marquee Moon
Velvet Underground ‘Foggy Notion’ from VU

Dan Kelly and the Alpha Males ‘Drowning In The Fountain of Youth’ from Drowning In The Fountain of Youth

Jeff Buckley ‘Everybody Here Wants You’ from Sketches for My Sweetheart The Drunk

Devo ‘Gut Feeling/Slap Your Mamee’ from Q. Are We Not Men? A. We Are Devo!

Bright Eyes ‘First Day Of My Life’ from I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning

Cover To Cover
Boney M ‘Sunny’
Bobby Hebb ‘Sunny’

Eagles of Death Metal ‘I Want You So Hard (Boy’s Bad News)’ from Death By Sexy

Otis Redding ‘(Sittin’ On) The Dock Of the Bay’

Cornelius ‘Gum’ from Sensuous

The Clash ‘London Calling’

The Dandy Warhols ‘Bohemian Like You’

Ted Leo & The Pharmacists 'Bomb. Repeat. Bomb.'

Coffee & Toast II

2007-03-13T21:04:00.000+11:00

I'm doing next week's playlist so I felt compelled to put up this week's.

Gomez ‘Whippin’ Picadilly’ from Bring It On (1998)

Front End Loader ‘They’re Trying to Kill Me’ from How Can We Fail When We’re So Sincere?

Eskimo Joe ‘Planet Earth’ from Girl (2001)

Mclusky ‘Forget About Him I’m Mint’ from The Only Difference Between
You And Me Is That I’m Not On Fire

Manu Chao ‘Me Gustas Tu’ from Proxima Estacion: Esperanza (2001)

The Lucksmiths ‘The Chapter In Your Life Entitled San Francisco’ from Warmer Corners

The Kooks ‘Sofa Song’ from Inside In Inside Out

Jurassic 5 ‘Improvise’ from Quality Control

Jeff Lang ‘And All The Snow Melted’ from You Have To Dig Deep To Bury Daddy

Spiderbait ‘Calypso’ from Ivy and the Big Apples

Under the Influence:
Tom Waits ‘Heartattack and Vine’ from Heartattack and
Captain Beefheart and his Magic Band ‘My Human Gets Me Blues’ Trout Mask Replica
Frank Zappa ‘Cosmik Debris’ from ‘ (1974)

Islands ‘Don’t Call Me Whitney, Bobby’ from Return To The Sea

The Hives ‘Die, All Right!’ Your New Favourite Band

Goldfrapp ‘Utopia’ from Felt Mountain

Dizzy Gillespie ‘Poor Joe’ from Jambo Caribe

The New Pornographers ‘All For Swinging You Around’ from Electric Version

Regurgitator ‘If This Is The Blues, Why Do I Feel So Green?’ from Mish Mash

The Fratellis ‘Chelsea Dagger’ from Costello Music

The Go-Betweens ‘Was There Anything I Could Do?’

TGTBTQ ‘History Song’ from The Good, The Bad and the Queen

Maceo and the Macks ‘Cross The Tracks’

Cover To Cover:
The Dirtbombs ‘Underdog’
Sly and the Family Stone ‘Underdog’

The Smiths ‘There Is A Light That Never Goes Out’ from The Queen Is Dead

Michael Franti and Spearhead ‘Rock the Nation’ from Stay Human

The View 'Same Jeans'

Muse ‘Supermassive Black Hole’ from Black Holes and Revelations

Midnight Oil ‘Blue Sky Mine’

The Black Keys ‘Hard Row’

Next week: more awesome.

See ya!

Coffee & Toast I

2007-03-03T17:41:00.000+11:00

First installment of Coffee & Toast this morning. Many thanks to the people who intentionally got up or stayed up to listen!

Here's the playlist.

Beck ‘He’s A Mighty Good Leader’ from One Foot In The Grave (1994)

The Black Keys ‘10AM Automatic’ Rubber Factory (2004)

Sarah Blasko ‘Hammer’ from What The Sea Wants, The Sea Will Have (2006)

Sharon Jones and The Dap Kings ‘Got A Thing On My Mind’ from Dap-Dipping (2002)

The Panda Band ‘Ghosts Have The Best Time’ from This Vital Chapter (2006)

The Cure ‘Hot Hot Hot!!!’ from Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me (1990)

The Celibate Rifles ‘I Shoulda’ from Mid-Stream of Consciousness (2003)

Jon Spencer Blues Explosion ‘She Said’ from Plastic Fang (2002)

Architecture In Helsinki ‘Do the Whirlwind’ from In Case We Die (2005)

The Robot Invasion ‘Brain Is Gone’ (2006)

Under the Influence segment:
You Am I ‘Soldiers’ from Hourly, Daily (1996)
The Small Faces ‘(Tell Me) Have You Ever Seen Me’ from Small Faces (Immediate) (1966)
Jarvis Cocker ‘Don’t Let Him Waste Your Time’ from Jarvis (2006)

Belle and Sebastian ‘White Collar Boy’ from The Life Pursuit (2006)

The Living End ‘Second Solution’ from self-titled (1998)

The Beautiful Girls ‘La Mar (The Ocean)’ from Learn Yourself (2003)

Roots Manuva ‘Witness (1 Hope)’ from Run Come Save Me (2001)

Machine Gun Fellatio ‘Not Afraid Of Romance’ Bring It On! (2001)

Johnny Cash ‘Love’s Been Good To Me’ from American V: A Hundred Highways (2006)

Neko Case ‘The Needle Has Landed’ from Fox Confessor Brings The Flood (2006)

Bob Dylan ‘Tombstone Blues’ from Highway 61 Revisited (1965)

Even ‘No Surprises’ from The Street Press Years (2003)

Deerhoof ‘Believe E.S.P.’ from Friend Opportunity (2007)

Cover to Cover:
Gnarls Barkley ‘Gone Daddy Gone’ from St. Elsewhere (2006)
Violent Femmes ‘Gone Daddy Gone’ from self-titled (1983)

Man Bites God ‘Work Experience Boy’ from The Popular Alternative (2005)

Beastie Boys ‘Three MCs and One DJ’ from Hello Nasty (1998)

2 Many DJs ‘Destiny's Child - Independent Woman Part 1, 10cc - Dreadlock Holiday’ from As Heard On Radio Soulwax, pt. 2 (2003)

Smiling for Beginners ‘Two Songs’ from Naked Pumpkins (2005)

The Flaming Lips ‘Free Radicals’ from At War With The Mystics (2006)

Howlin’ Wolf ‘Moanin’ At Midnight’ from His Best (1997)

The Mountain Goats ‘Half Dead’ from Get Lonely (2006)

The Go! Team ‘Ladyflash’ from Thunder Lightning Strike (2004)

Tute Hard: With a Vengeance (2007) (I)

2007-02-28T00:20:00.000+11:00

I'm back at uni and studying three subjects that I finally find interesting: Syntax, The Grammar of English and God and the Natural Sciences. I say finally because there's usually one subject that I don't like, but there's also usually four subjects to do. But hey, who wants a full study load?

The content of the first two is pretty self-explanatory, just English languagey business from the Department of Linguistics and Applied Linguistics. They're quite similar, but we get into the nitty gritty of sentence construction in Syntax, whereas The Grammar of English takes a broader approach. We may get to analyse paragraphs in Grammar. Don't get too excited, people.

The first Syntax lecture felt like school because there's lots of people I've done classes with in the past in the subject - an odd thing in Arts. Grammar of English feels like school because the content is superficially similar to VCE English language and I'll probably have the same tutor for it as I had for Cross-Cultural Communication in first year. Which feels like school now. Mmm. Like. School. Feels.

God and the Natural Sciences is run by the Department of History and Philosophy of Science. As the name of the department makes clear, this is a historical and philosophical examination of how religion and science have interacted. Religion being mainly Christianity, but all three Abrahamic religions are covered, and science being the tradition that sprung out of Western Europe from the 15th century until today.

The subject is taught by a passionate atheist in the form of Texan Dr. Neil Thomason, widely regarded as one of the best lecturers at Melbourne University - especially by himself - and the Canon with two doctorates, the Rev. Dr. Dr. Stephen Ames. If you'd like an example of shithouse nerd humour, try this one on for size: Whatever Ames writes becomes a canonical text.

Oh boy, it's funny because it's true.

I'm starting a radio show called Coffee & Toast on Sundays from 6-8am on SYN, the Student Youth Network (90.7 FM in Melbourne or streaming from the website). I love italicising shit that I've named.

I was originally meant to be presenting it on Saturday mornings, but that got changed due to unforeseen circumstances in their schedule.

This show runs from the 4th of March until the 15th of April and may be extended if they like me. I understand if you're sleeping. I'm sure I'll be more than half asleep as well. But awake enough to push buttons and be entertaining.

I'll hopefully be saying something worthwhile. Mostly just playing what I think is excellent music and rabbiting on about the history of popular song with great segments like 'Cover To Cover' where I play a cover song directly before the original version and 'Under The Influence' where I track new-ish (last 20 years or so) band's influences through playing new and old music.

Plus Music News and the Music Kahnmanac, an 'On This Day In Music' almanac sort of thing that I have to re-research now it's on Sunday. Arse. 3 March had such a great vibe - Elvis' first television appearance in 1955, Ronan Keating turning 30! C'mon! That's great radio! At least I came up with the Music Kahnmanac title. I'll use that. Maybe. I'll definitely make the 4th of March Kahnmanac even better, regardless of whether it's called Kahnmanac or 'On This Day In Music'.

I'll put playlists up here for egotistical posterity. And so you know the sort of thing I play so you have extra motivation to get up early (or stay up) on Sundays to experience the golden tonsils of Daniel Kahn.

There's more in store soon, but I'll save that for later. News must be dribbled out for maximum effect.

Q. 'What can he be holding from us?!!'

A. Exactly.

Racing Vodcasts

2007-02-13T17:06:00.000+11:00

There's been washing machine racing,

cheese chasing

and wife carrying.

And now, the illegitimate and boring half-brother: Vodcast Downloads Racing.

It's a simple concept for I am a simple man, but what you do is this: Start three vodcasts downloading, and then pretend that they're racing.

You'll have to click on the link to biggenise the screen shots, as I didn't want to have the rock'n'roll spill out of the tiny window of thought that Blogger condescends to provide to us.

Here, Paul Mazursky Part 1 is beating Martin Landau Part IV, and Gina Gershon Part III is trailing shockingly.

But here's the key point, there's no race. There is no contest. It's just like when the Chinese female swimmers used to take steroids and started looking manlier than most men. All the podcasts download at the same rate, depending on size and when you start them.

This is why your imagination is the key to vodcast racing. And your imagination for the mundane is at its height in the second-last week of university holidays.

To make the game even more exciting, you can line up future races as the current one is being completed. This makes the vodcast race a never ending relay of audiovisual fun.

Ready, set, go!

The Most Wanted and Unwanted Songs

2007-02-12T14:29:00.000+11:00

Just under nine and a half years ago after his Most Wanted Painting Project, Dave Soldier organised a poll that was answered by 500 people. It was designed to determine the musical tastes of the general public. Soldier and Nina Mankin used the survey results to write music and lyrics that would fit the stereotype of Most Wanted and Most Unwanted songs.

This survey confirms the hypothesis that today’s popular music indeed provides an accurate estimate of the wishes of the vox populi. The most favored ensemble, determined from a rating by participants of their favorite instruments in combination, comprises a moderately sized group (three to ten instruments) consisting of guitar, piano, saxophone, bass, drums, violin, cello, synthesizer, with low male and female vocals singing in rock/r&b style. The favorite lyrics narrate a love story, and the favorite listening circumstance is at home. The only feature in lyric subjects that occurs in both most wanted and unwanted categories is “intellectual stimulation.” Most participants desire music of moderate duration (approximately 5 minutes), moderate pitch range, moderate tempo, and moderate to loud volume, and display a profound dislike of the alternatives. If the survey provides an accurate analysis of these factors for the population, and assuming that the preference for each factor follows a Gaussian (i.e. bell-curve) distribution, the combination of these qualities, even to the point of sensory overload and stylistic discohesion, will result in a musical work that will be unavoidably and uncontrollably “liked” by 72 plus or minus 12% (standard deviation; Kolmogorov-Smirnov statistic) of listeners.
The most unwanted music is over 25 minutes long, veers wildly between loud and quiet sections, between fast and slow tempos, and features timbres of extremely high and low pitch, with each dichotomy presented in abrupt transition. The most unwanted orchestra was determined to be large, and features the accordion and bagpipe (which tie at 13% as the most unwanted instrument), banjo, flute, tuba, harp, organ, synthesizer (the only instrument that appears in both the most wanted and most unwanted ensembles). An operatic soprano raps and sings atonal music, advertising jingles, political slogans, and “elevator” music, and a children's choir sings jingles and holiday songs. The most unwanted subjects for lyrics are cowboys and holidays, and the most unwanted listening circumstances are involuntary exposure to commericals and elevator music. Therefore, it can be shown that if there is no covariance—someone who dislikes bagpipes is as likely to hate elevator music as someone who despises the organ, for example—fewer than 200 individuals of the world's total population would enjoy this piece.
Art for the people—
Your pal, Dave Soldier
June 1997

The most wanted music sounds a bit like a song from a Trey Parker/Matt Stone project soundtrack. Which makes a lot of sense as those blokes use the same theory as Soldier to take the piss.

The most unwanted music is pretty heinous. Not completely terrible through all of it though, and hilarious at some points. I'll let you be the judge.

Sarah, Comedy, Kahn vs. Proust Continues...

2007-02-05T01:06:00.000+11:00

I went to see Sarah Blasko play at Ruby's Lounge in Belgrave last night. Ruby's is a great place to go see a gig, but they've chosen to get a head start on the new anti-smoking legislation (a few other places have also done this, including the Corner and the East Brunswick Club to name just two). I'm not a smoker, so that wasn't the problem, but this did lead to the unfortunate discovery that the new law means that farts are not disguised as well as they were when cigarettes et al were being smoked. Farts may be healthier to breathe, but at least smoke was a known quantity. Now you have to rely on your fellow punters not having eaten a curry before a gig so your delicate olfactory senses are not overwhelmed.

In the line to get inside, we watched Sarah get fish and chips from the take away shop next door. We weren't watching in a stalker way, of course. It was in an 'Oh, musicians actually eat. Wow.' way. She left them backstage and did a soundcheck while the venue was filling up.

Support act was Sydney's The Devoted Few, who do Britpoppy Rock built on excellent songwriting by Ben Fletcher, formerly of Bluebottle Kiss for them Aussie Music trainspotters. They've got that song on Triple J that starts with, 'Is it dark in your room at 3am?' They played a solid set, which was good. Because, like punch sets, if you're going to be using a vessel to carry noise or people into the night, you should be solid. Keyboardist Skye was MIA. Call Missing Persons Unit, please.

Two chaps from The Devoted Few, frontman Ben and guitarist Dave Hunt, joined Sarah's backing band for the headline set. Ben swapped guitar and frontmanology for bass for most of the set, and Dave swapped guitar for keyboards. The set leant heavily on What The Sea Wants..., but also played a few songs from The Overture and The Underscore, including 'Sweet November', 'Don't U Eva' and the night's encore, 'Perfect Now'.

It was a very intimate setting to see an artist, and this certainly added to the quality of the gig. The stage of the venue is in the corner of the room with no access except from the front. This means bands have to walk through the crowd to get on stage. Which is cool, but meant that when the gig was over Sarah was bombarded with people and it was a bugger to get out. Oh well, these things happen. I may have done a little bombardment myself.

The night before that (Sat, 3/2) I went into the city for a friend's birthday party. After missing a gig by a friend's band we rejoined the group at the Purple Emerald in Flinders Lane. There was a great funk band playing, and I was very amused in a good way by guitarist's use of a talk box. Becks on tap for $4 a pot. No CUB beers. But good vibe. Clapclap Clapclap. Recommended.

On Tuesday (30/1) last week I was in Fitzroy at the Evelyn Hotel to have a crack at Raw Comedy, the national open mic competition run by Triple J and the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

When I signed up for a Raw comedy heat, the idea on Christmas Day 2006 was to set myself a deadline. I’d wanted to have another crack at comedy after I had a shitty experience emceeing an event in the year previously where I completely bombed. I’ve got a massive hang-up about emceeing events now. I’m sure I’ll have to get over it one day, perhaps when I realise that what I’m doing on SYN FM is actually emceeing and I’m alright at it. But intellectual decisions are much easier to make than changes of heart. The night I felt I screwed up wasn’t a designated comedy event, however, so I decided that before I thought myself completely shit, I should try something in front of an audience who had come to see something resembling what I had to offer. Well, that was the idea on Christmas Day.

I selected three heats in order of preference, number one being the 30th of January and the other two being in the middle of March, due to having basketball games on Tuesday nights when the heats were held. 30 January was the only bye we had in the second half of the summer season.

I got an email asking me to confirming my spot in the heat of my first preference on the 18th of January. I instantly replied ‘yes’, before my brain could get in the way like so many times before. It was less than two weeks away, and I was still not sure what I was going to perform.

My preparation went fine in the week before the heat. But on Australia Day, the Friday before the Tuesday, it became more important to drink a lot of beer. This was continued on Saturday night, which was relatively less beer but still more than the average human should force their liver to contend with. Lucky I’m not your average bear, Boo-Boo.

On Sunday (28/1) I rose at 1pm, fed the dogs, wasted time on the Internet and went to the gym. After the gym I ate my dinner of a Cup-O-Soup and Vegemite Toast with Cheese.

Then I watched the Men’s Final of the Australian Open. Such a great match, the only problem is I couldn’t start on rehearsing my shit until the post-match interview with Roger Federer in Channel 7’s studio had aired. I tried to be a conscientious little debutante, setting myself a deadline of 9pm to turn off the television and go practice my stuff. Then 9.30pm. Then 10pm. Then the end of the broadcast. Then 'before bed'.

By the time the whole thing was done, it was about 20 minutes to 11pm, so I thought I’d do a little MySpacing and emailing before I started at eleven. This stretched to 11.25pm, and I did my first run-through. It went for 30 seconds over the five minute time limit, and that was without laughter to pad stuff out, so I scrapped my worst joke about the security guys at the Tennis and tried again.

Now I was under by 40 seconds. This was a desirable situation to be in because you’re aiming for between 4’30” and 5’00” when you perform in the heat, and when the audience laugh and applaud (hopefully), you need some wriggle room.

Cut to Tuesday. Evening. Ext. I'd driven into Fitzroy and bought an insufficient ticket from the machine. This stress added to the anxiety, but I still felt okay. The time for the contestant briefing was 6.30pm, and I was well early. As if ticket inspectors in Fitzroy work on Tuesday nights.

I was the first act in the third bracket, which meant I had two and a half hours to stew in my own bunion juices. Most of the contestants told each other jokes before the gig started. I didn't. Most of the contestants had had a crack at Raw before. I hadn't.

My -ism went good, good enough to come runner-up. Runner-up to a Scotsman. Talk about the story of Australian comedy. But I accept that he not only did appear funnier, but actually was. And I think I went massively under time, which they said you wouldn't be penalised for, but I reckon I was. I thought I needed giggle room, and I thought I was alright with speaking enough to not do that speed up like crazy thing. Wrong.

I look at it like Australian Idol. You're better off being runner-up, but perhaps not so early on in the competition.

Due to my secretive ways, I told no one I had entered. If I get further into the competition I'll let yer know on here. That's something which might, but probably won't, happen.

In other mews (sic), I keep having dull, quotidian, frustrating dreams. In one I was doing the signage for a Thai take away in an inner northern Melbourne suburb. I had just put the price list up when the boss came on to me so I quit the job and went home.

As this goes to Internet, I keep trying to read volume one from In Search Of Lost Time. If anyone who reads this has finished the book, whether it's just volume one or all of them, can you please give me some advice as to how I can actually plough through it? And if it's actually worth it. That'd be awesome.

I'm doing a graveyard shift on SYN FM (90.7FM in Melbourne, or streaming on the web) from 2am to 7am on Thursday morning (so, the after of Wednesday night). Feel free to listen in if you get the chance.

Peace.

Giant Rabbits

2007-01-27T16:08:00.000+11:00

An east German pensioner who breeds rabbits the size of dogs has been asked by North Korea to help set up a big bunny farm to alleviate food shortages in the communist country. Now journalists and rabbit gourmets from around the world are thumping at his door.

Full story on Spiegel Online.

ProustWords®

2007-01-14T18:11:00.000+11:00

Let’s continue this dictionary odyssey. I’ve been reading In Search of Lost Time because every young gentleman should do so when he is an undergraduate.

Here’s some words I came across in the first volume, ‘Swann’s Way’, that I never have before, and probably never will again.

tisane

A medicinal tea or infusion made from herbs.

I guess it’s an antiquated borrowing, but I’m going to drop it in conversation regularly.

cozenage

The practice or habit of cozening; cheating, deception, fraud; the fact of being cheated.

vicissitudes

The fact of change or mutation taking place in a particular thing or within a certain sphere; the uncertain changing or mutability of something.

gewgaw

A gaudy trifle, plaything, or ornament, a pretty thing of little value, a toy or bauble.

desuetude

A discontinuance of the use or practice (of anything); disuse; protracted cessation from.

viaticum

Eccl. The Eucharist, as administered to or received by one who is dying or in danger of death.

Thanks to Oxford English Dictionary Online.

Have a good week. Peace.

Venison vs. Deer

2007-01-12T19:00:00.000+11:00

We drove past a Venison and Deer Farm on the way to Phillip Island today. It was the first time I had consciously noticed it on my umpteenth trip down.

'What the fuck?' said I to my fellow travellers, 'a Venison and Deer Farm? That's like a Beef and Cattle Farm!'

'Nah, douche! Venison and deer are different. Venison are the weiner small ones,' said one friend.

I spoke in my defence, 'I've always known venison as eatin', never heard of it as an animal on its own.'

'It's like alpacas and llamas. One is smaller,' said another in support of the dissenter.

'Oh, okay.' I said this but I didn't mean it. Because inside I'm petty, but I like to appear democratic and mature. I don't like misinformation spouted as fact, especially when it's an emphatic 'correction' to something that is actually true. And it worries me when I don't know things, especially words.

Let's take a look at the Oxford English Dictionary, friends.

Venison

1.
a. The flesh of an animal killed in the chase or by hunting and used as food; formerly applied to the flesh of the deer, boar, hare, rabbit, or other game animal, now almost entirely restricted to the flesh of various species of deer. Cf. b.
b. With of (an animal) or defining term.

Deer

1. A beast: usually a quadruped, as distinguished from birds and fishes; but sometimes, like beast, applied to animals of lower orders. Obs.

2.
a. The general name of a family (Cervidæ) of ruminant quadrupeds, distinguished by the possession of deciduous branching horns or antlers, and by the presence of spots on the young: the various genera and species being distinguished as rein-deer, moose-deer, red deer, fallow deer; the MUSK DEER belong to a different family, Moschidæ.
b. occasional plural deers

So the Venison and Deer Farm is either a tautology, like I assumed in the car, or it is a farm that sells deer for eatin' and deer for breedin', and is desperate to highlight this fact. Venison and deer are not different kinds of animals.

If you'd actually like to speak up for my friends' position, please do so. I'd love to know if I'm wrong, but that does come with a warning. I will swear at you.

Orientation: A Scientology Information Video

2007-01-11T21:06:00.000+11:00

I was watching Edith Piaf sing 'La vie en rose' on VideoSift, one of those second-rate sites that compile YouTube and Google Video files for the benefit of no one.

In a side panel was the link to a Google Video of Orientation: A Scientology Information Video. It was taken by someone with a secret camera inside a Scientology information session.

The video begins with one of many navel-gazing justifications based on legal precedents. 'Since Scientology is relatively new, you may hear the question asked: "Is Scientology a bona fide religion?" Let me assure you, it is, according to 65 court decisions around the world.' Eight quotations run on the screen and are read out, from Australia, German, American and Canadian courts. Immediately after, the book What Is Scientology is spruiked at five and a half minutes in, following the plug of L. Ron Hubbard's 'commonsense book' The Way To Happiness, which occurred three minutes into the video.

Hubbard is directly compared to Siddhartha Gautama, because he is 'just a man, but has influenced millions of lives for the better'. I'd put my money on Buddha, but y'know, to each their own.

After a brief segment talking up Hubbard's lifetime achievements and exposés of government mind control techniques, 'the next logical step' is, of course 'the bookshop. Looks like we're going to have to wait a minute.. Ron's books are very popular,' the host insists.

Our new friend talks to an attractive female Public Executive Secretary (bookshop assistant) who informs the audience about more 'source material'. Says she: 'Dianetics burst upon the world and reformed the field of mental science.'

After three books on Dianetics are advertised, the difference between Dianetics and Scientology is explained: 'Dianetics is what the soul is doing to the body. Scientology is .. the study and handling of the spirit in relationship to itself, universes and other life.'

If you want to know more at this stage, apparently you should buy:

The Evolution of a Science
A New Slant On Life
The Problems of Work ('very useful')
Scientology: The Fundamentals of Thought
Scientology 0-8: The Book of Basics
Basic Dictionary of Dianetics and Scientology.

Your basket might be a little heavy after picking up the eleven books already recommended .. all hardcovers except for one. I'm sure there'd be a Public Executive Secretary to help you out with your heavy lifting.

'Shouldn't they also get a copy of Dianetics: The Science of Mental Health?' asks our ever-helpful host.

The reply from the PES? 'Of course! Then they'll see the adventure of it. And they're at liberty to buy any of these books. They'll want them all sooner or later anyway.'

Every church has an office for Hubbard, because when he was alive and travelling a lot, he wanted one everywhere so he could keep at his research. Now they're an indication that each church is 'on source', that is, in line with his teachings and ideals. The record of his research is considered the key to man's future (yes, gender-in-language watchers, always 'man's future'), and the source of profound revelations.

In an explanation of auditing (y'know, their personality tests), there is no mention of what actually goes on, just graphs that show increases in aspects of personality and IQ after every intensive auditing session. Because auditing is personal, they can't accurately describe what it will do for you, just that it will do great things.

The Director of Processing says: 'Psychology and psychiatry are proven failures .. stone age!' and 'Only a raving lunatic would try to harm Dianetics and Scientology .. or scientologists for that matter. They need psychiatric help! That would finish them.' I'm sure he didn't see the irony in recommending psychiatric help to people who stand against Scientology. Guess his irony'll get upped in the next audit.

As usual, they run through the whole 'any denomination or faith is welcome in Scientology', but this is such an empty promise if people get heavily involved in Scientology - like anything else, it will take over their lives. Can't have two masters and whatnot.

As expected, there was absolutely no mention of Hubbard's wife Mary Sue, who was excommunicated from the church after Operation Snow White, even though she was instrumental in the founding of the cult.

All of the Scientologist featured in the video were arrogant, self-assured, false laughing sycophants. And for some reason, Firefox had trouble opening a new window while I was watching Orientation. A coincidence, or something more mysterious?

I'll leave you with Host's closing monologue:

Now, we could play this very low key. We could sorta giggle and say, "We can help you a little to lead a slightly happier life." Yes, we could say that. Stating that if you cooperate, we could make you more cheerful. But that would be like offering someone a diamond and saying it was glass. Right this instant, you are at the threshold of your next trillion years. You will live it in shivering, agonised darkness, or you will live triumphantly in the light. The choice is yours, not ours. If you, this minute, say "I will, for better or for worse, go on in Scientology," you will open the door to your own future.

If you say otherwise, you slam Tomorrow shut in your own face. I'm sorry, but that's the way it really is. We are not making any claims for Dianetics and Scientology. It is you, who when you've experienced what can be, are the one that will make the claims. What is true, is true for you.

In man's past, barbaric ..ologies and religions, they told you that they were better, that you had to believe them. You had to have faith there was a possible recovery for you. That there were various gods, and that Heaven waits. And you were told by some that you were a one-life animal, and by others that Hell yawned if you dared to sin. You had to believe them or you got burned at the stake. Or shot. Or flogged.

You don't have to believe us. Or even trust us. If you work with Scientology, you will find out for yourself. What's true is what is true for you. You have a friend. He worked for half a century in a violent and often unkind world to open the gate for you. We are here to help you put yourself on a trail that leads up. If you fall off, we'll try to help put you back on. But, it is up to you. It is how you use it that counts.

For you are the one that counts. If you leave this room after seeing this film, and walk out, and never mention Scientology again, you are perfectly free to do so. It would be stupid, but you can do it. You can also dive off a bridge or blow your brains out. That is your choice. But if you don't walk out that way, if you continue with Scientology, we will be very happy with you, and you will be very happy with you. You will have proven that you are a friend of yours.

This isn't the very end of the video, he still talks for a couple of seconds, but the footage screws up at this point. A coincidence, or something more mysterious?

Just believe what you wanna believe, anywho. As long as it isn't Scientology.

Also see:

Scientology versus the Internet
Operation Clambake (critical site run by Andreas Heldal-Lund)
Sea Org

The CDs On My Occasional Table

2007-01-02T23:43:00.000+11:00

I've clearly jumped on the bandwagon of reviewing music as the year turns. If magazines get the chance to tell us what we should have listened to, self-aggrandising bloggers certainly have the privilege - nay, the very right - to place themselves comfortably on a soapbox and review their consumption.

No, I don't know what an occasional table is (before I read Uncyclopedia), but I have one. Sort of. Instead of going to the effort of typing up a proper top 10 list, these are the CDs I have bought recently, released this year and that don't fit into my CD racks.

And instead of writing anything except the artist and title of the album, I am demonstrating how the albums made me feel, inside.

In no particular order:

Dan Kelly and the Alpha Males. Drowning in the Fountain of Youth.

The Black Keys. Magic Potion.

The Flaming Lips. At War With The Mystics.

The Panda Band. This Vital Chapter.

Sarah Blasko. What The Sea Wants, The Sea Will Have.

Belle & Sebastian. The Life Pursuit.

As you can see from my Hottest 100 voting, this is pretty close to what I would've gone for anyway. But life has a funny way of making these things happen.

Triple J's Hottest 100

2007-01-02T23:26:00.000+11:00

After some deliberation, my top ten tracks of 2006 as one poll knows it are as follows:


You Am I - It Ain't Funny How We Don't Talk Anymore
Jens Lekman - Your Arms Around Me
Sarah Blasko - The Albatross
The Strokes - Heart In A Cage
Belle & Sebastian - The Blues Are Still Blue
Dan Kelly and The Alpha Males - Drowning In The Fountain 
Of Youth
Flaming Lips - Free Radicals
Muse - Supermassive Black Hole
The Panda Band - Ghosts Have The Best Time
The Zutons - Why Won't You Give Me Your Love

They are most interesting, fun and/or innovative pop tracks that have come out this year to my mind. So there!

It's interesting to go through the list that Triple J has set up and see just how much great music has been released in one year. That thought has occurred to me the last couple of years that I've voted, but it's still cool.

You can go and vote here if you want to.

The Falls Festival 2006

2007-01-01T22:47:00.000+11:00

Happy new year all. I once again spent my New Years at Lorne’s Falls Festival and had a thoroughly good time. So I'm starting the New Year once again with a post about the experience.

Day one on 29 December started off for me with Michael Franti playing a brilliant acoustic set with Kieran Murphy, an extremely talented eighteen year old guitarist from Melbourne. There’s not much you can say about Franti without gushing, but he knows how to set an atmosphere expertly, and performs his beautiful songs without flaws and a whole lotta soul.

Where’s your head at? My head was well and truly at Basement Jaxx on the evening in question. They played with a full band, including brass section, the great session singers they use and a real drummer! It was a great set to dance along to and one of the few times that I have enjoyed house music. I’ve walked though Basement gigs at the Big Day Out and thought ‘Meh!’ but they had the place pumping with real people playing real instruments and it was very very very fun.

The 30th of December began as a cold, misty day but quickly turned into a warm and sunny one. I lamented the fact that I neglected to pack shorts to anyone who’d listen. Though suffering from technical difficulties (broken strings; an absent bass player for the first song), Dan Kelly and the Alpha Males delivered an enjoyable set early on the first day of the festival proper. A notable absence from the setlist was ‘Drowning in the Fountain of Youth’, the lead single and title track from their second album. This was probably due to time constraints more than anything; they appeared ready to play it, but were asked by the organisers to wrap it up.

The Exploders disappointed. They haven’t really developed as a band from their first single ‘Stepping Out’, and while they rock out live, it was a boring, mundane show that almost made me lost my faith in blues based rock’n’roll. Not that my faith has been rock hard in that genre for a long while. Any music that requires you to be drunk to derive enjoyment from it must be lacking somewhere. Gavin Campbell, the lead guitarist from Melbourne’s 67 Special joined the guys on stage. He played well, but postured like a tosser. I guess that works within the theatrical nature of a 67 Special show, which I have always enjoyed, but with the boys from Lake Bolac playing the shambolic don’t-give-a-shit card, it was out of place and weird.

FourPlay are a rock band. But they’re a rock band that is a classically trained string quartet who play modern rock covers arranged into their format as well as original tunes. They kicked off their set with ‘2 + 2 = 5’ by Radiohead followed by ‘Sabotage’ by the Beastie Boys. The opening shout of ‘Oh my God, that’s the funky shit’ was executed by the eloquent lilt of violinist and vocalist Lara Goodridge. It brought a massive grin to my face when four people holding classical instruments were shouting ‘Listen all of y'all it's a sabotage’ into their microphones while making a cacophony through effects pedals. The rest of the songs included brilliant and occasionally quirky originals and an old blues tune, and they finished with two other covers. Jeff Buckey’s ‘Grace’ sounded as if it was being performed in its original and purest form – high praise indeed for a cover. It was simply sublime. They finished off the set performing ‘Reptillia’ by The Strokes, which pleased the crowd to no end thanks to the Triple J attention the track received. FourPlay is definitely something special, and worth looking into if you get the chance.

I was anticipating Modest Mouse’s show a little due to the fact that Johnny Marr of The Smiths and Johnny Marr and the Healers (plus heaps of other stuff you can read about on Wikipedia) joined the band in 2006. They put on a passable live show, but you couldn’t help but think the addition of Marr was just a gimmick – for Modest Mouse to get more attention, and so Marr could have a band to easily jam along with. He played well, but did very little lead guitar, sticking to rhythm work throughout most of the show. I’d never say a bad word about rhythm players, but when you’ve got someone like Johnny Marr in your band, you should use him to his full potential. But when you’re rocking out to ‘Float On’, ‘Ocean Breathes Salty’ or ‘Bukowski’ all of this is quite irrelevant.

Eskimo Joe are one of the favourite bands from my teenage years. Their debut album Girl came out in 2001, when I was in year nine, and was very much ingrained in my psyche. The first time I saw them live was at the 2002 Big Day Out in Melbourne, which was my first music festival. It was an awesome experience – even though I wore a backpack into the moshpit, had the zip come undone numerous times and pissed an innumerable amount of people off by wearing it, it was still a great gig. A Song Is A City was bought and enjoyed in 2004, but I didn’t purchase or really enjoy Black Fingernails, Red Wine much. Perhaps it was the production that followed the eighties styling that is the production style du jour, but it was probably just that I was into different music this year. Anyway, their live set was brilliant, and they seemed the most into their music that I’d seen them since 2002 (I’d since seen them at another couple of Big Days Out). Their playing was tight and passionate, and their confidence did not waver into arrogant territory. Disappointingly though, they played nothing from Girl and almost nothing from A Song….

Michael Franti and Spearhead were fantastic. The acoustic show the night before was great, and with a full band, the field was a-rocking in a different but equally great fashion. Franti’s message is great and his delivery is impeccable. This was one of the best live acts I’ve seen.

Day three on 31 December was less misleading with the weather. It was overcast with little slips of sun peeking through all morning and it rained in the afternoon, which added nicely to the atmosphere of the next band. I really love The Mountain Goats’ work. After seeing them with a disinterested crowd at a beery lunchtime at uni, I was keen on seeing John Darnielle and Peter Hughes playing to an audience that appreciated the Goats more. They played heaps of stuff from Get Lonely, ‘The Sunset Tree and We Shall All Be Healed, with my personal highlights being ‘Song For Dennis Brown’ and ‘Palmcorder Yajna’. Of course they closed with ‘This Year’. Of course the crowd went wild. Of course!

At the end of 2004, Tim Rogers of You Am I was involved in an incident at Falls. You can easily find info about it on the net, so I’m not going to write about it here, but the man was clearly nervous about taking to the stage again. He needn’t have been. They played very well, and the inter-song banter was top-notch, but Rogers’ welfare does worry me. The last two times I’ve seen him live were an Ian Rilen tribute show at the Prince Bandroom in St. Kilda when he played with the Temperance Union and at Falls Festival this year. At both of those events he seemed to be holding it together, but barely, and the Falls set was closed with a foreboding ‘Goodbye’ from him where he pretended to throw his guitar into the audience before resting it on a foldback speaker. This may suggest an imminent band break-up or perhaps I’m reading too much into it. You Am I are kick arse though.

Although the leader of The Bees, Paul Butler, was suffering from a hoarse voice, they assisted the New Year’s Eve party in a big way. ‘Chicken Payback’, ‘Wash in the Rain’, and their cover of Os Mutante’s ‘A Minha Menina’ were a lot of fun to dance to. Weeee!

Wolfmother, Wolfmother, Wolfmother. I believe they were summed up quite well by Justin Hazelwood (the Bedroom Philosopher) with his joke:

Q. How many Wolfmothers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. None. Black Sabbath and Led Zeppelin already did it in the ‘70s.

However, I cannot deny that they have become much more proficient players. They are almost competent with their instruments now, and put on a fun live show. There was not one new song in sight that wasn’t from their debut self-titled album of 2005 or that delicious slice of rock pie, ‘The Love Train’. A particular highlight was straight after the countdown, when Tim Rogers came on stage with a mic, Andy Kent took over bass duties, Rusty Hopkinson jumped on the drums and Davey Lane came on with his guitar, with the whole You Am I et Wolfmother crew belting out The Who’s ‘Baba O’Riley’ (AKA ‘Teenage Wasteland’). A fitting summary of the nature of Falls as well as a kick arse way to ring in 2007.

Great comedy was on again with Akmal Saleh and Eddie Perfect performing on the 30th and Charlie Pickering and the Bedroom Philosopher performing on the 31st. They all delivered fun sets that displayed their fine, unique talents with their craft.

A fine festival. We were camped in a better spot, much closer to the stage, this time too. Which added to the experience. I’ve gotta say it. It was better than last year.

Have a great 2007!

Names

2006-11-19T22:56:00.000+11:00

I thought I'd put up a cool thing from my revision in the 'naming' area in the realm of Anthropological Linguistics.

Zulu children get a special bit of history with their given names, depending on the circumstances surrounding their birth.

For example:

uSwelabatsheli, which translates to 'no one to tell them' (father had disappeared, mother has to raise children alone)

uSiphipho 'cause for divorce' - a child from an affair

uVelaphi 'where does he come from?' (Illegitimate child bestowed this by the mother..s parents)

uSikhonkwane 'nail' (mother had a traditional polygamous marriage, and said she had hit the nail on the head by having a boy)

uMfaniseni 'who did he look like?' (A mother in law said her daughter-in-law had an illegitimate child. The mother indirectly replied with this name, asking who the child looked like, if he did not look like his father.)

Isn't Ignatius starting to look attractive again?

Word on the street says you should check out The Most Dangerous Race. They're going to be big. In wanker intellectual circles. So get on top of that.

And, like, give your first-born children to The Robot Invasion while you're at it.

And, if you're in Melbourne, go to the super dooper Man Bites God, Drowning Hitlers and Gorskys gig on Friday. I can't go cos I have a 21st. Bugger. Go in my stead!

The Sarah and Eric Review Revue

2006-11-17T11:34:00.000+11:00

Two posts from me in a day. You are lucky! I was going to compact this in with the photos, but it looked stupid.

Sarah Blasko, What The Sea Wants, The Sea Will Have

A simply beautiful album.

Sarah's voice is amazing. The lyrics are brilliant. The instrumentation is supportive without being distracting. Her first album was very electronic-based - lots of synths, blips, blops and binary tings. There's still some of that on here, but it's much more based on conventional instruments. It's probably thanks to a change in Sarah's vision and the input of Midnight Oil's Jim Moginie as one of the producers (alongside Sarah herself and Robert F. Cranny).

Most of the album is intelligent pop singer-songwriting in Sarah's unique style. However, she ranges into gospel at the end of penultimate track 'Showstopper' and I reckon Thom Yorke could have written 'The Albatross' in another lifetime.

Get this album. It's 'yes'. Meaning brilliant and world class. 'Yes'. Plus the cover art is great and there're two booklets inside! Tangible music is good!

Eric Bibb, A Ship Called Love

I first saw Eric Bibb on ABCTV's Live at the Basement around 2003 and he just jumped out of the screen at me.

His passion, soul and talent is simply amazing. He's 55 years old, but look at that cover! I'd say he's ageless, perhaps 40 if I was forced to give a number. But not 55! What does he hide under that hat?

When I saw him live for at the 2005 Falls Festival (Lorne), I noted his 'superb musicianship' and lamented the 'contaminat[ion]' of Eric's sound by the sound from the main stage. (Never avoid quoting yourself. You'll usually agree.) This made me anticipate his recorded work even more, so I could enjoy it in the privacy of my own bedroom without the noise from the main stage.

The album is great, soulful and spiritual and peaceful and all things good. My only problem is the accordion on 'Right Where You Are'; it makes it a good track sound like a crappy 1980s children's song trying to make itself whimsical.

There's a gorgeous moment on track 10 where Eric's daughter Matilda Mandolina sings the intro and the outro.

If you like blues, peace, friendship, great music, general yay-ness and warm fuzzies, get this into yer. Tasty and nutritious, good for the soul.

Waddle through Melbourne

2006-11-17T11:23:00.000+11:00

I like stencil art. Normally more intricate designs float my boat, but I was walking down Bouverie Street in Carlton yesterday and I decided to take some pictures, with my mobile phone.

Keep it real.

Perhaps it's stupid if you think about it. But if you don't, it works:

And some delicious anti-capitalism to keep this blog real.

'Compassionate Slavery' Market for Africa: WTO

2006-11-14T15:32:00.000+11:00

Just got this in the inbox. Methinks the Yes Men are at it again.

November 13, 2006
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

WTO ANNOUNCES FORMALIZED SLAVERY MARKET FOR AFRICA
US Trade Representative to Africa, Governor of Nigeria Central Bank weigh in at Wharton

Text, photos, video: http://www.gatt.org/wharton.html
WTO Contact: Hanniford Schmidt (mailto:schmidt@gatt.org)
Conference website: http://www.whartonglobal.com/africa/panels.asp#Trade
Conference contacts: http://www.whartonglobal.com/africa/contact.asp

Philadelphia - At a Wharton Business School conference on business in Africa, World Trade Organization representative Hanniford Schmidt announced the creation of a WTO initiative for "full private stewardry of labor" for the parts of Africa that have been hardest hit by the 500 years of Africa's free trade with the West.

The initiative will require Western companies doing business in some parts of Africa to own their workers outright. Schmidt recounted how private stewardship has been successfully applied to transport, power, water, traditional knowledge, and even the human genome. The WTO's "full private stewardry" program will extend these successes to (re)privatize humans themselves.

"Full, untrammelled stewardry is the best available solution to African poverty, and the inevitable result of free-market theory," Schmidt told more than 150 attendees. Schmidt acknowledged that the stewardry program was similar in many ways to slavery, but explained that just as "compassionate conservatism" has polished the rough edges on labor relations in industrialized countries, full stewardry, or "compassionate slavery," could be a similar boon to developing ones.

The audience included Prof. Charles Soludo (Governor of the Central Bank of Nigeria), Dr. Laurie Ann Agama (Director for African Affairs at the Office of the US Trade Representative), and other notables. Agama prefaced her remarks by thanking Scmidt for his macroscopic perspective, saying that the USTR view adds details to the WTO's general approach. Nigerian Central Bank Governor Soludo also acknowledged the WTO proposal, though he did not seem to appreciate it as much as did Agama.

A system in which corporations own workers is the only free-market solution to African poverty, Schmidt said. "Today, in African factories, the only concern a company has for the worker is for his or her productive hours, and within his or her productive years," he said. "As soon as AIDS or pregnancy hits--out the door. Get sick, get fired. If you extend the employer's obligation to a 24/7, lifelong concern, you have an entirely different situation: get sick, get care. With each life valuable from start to finish, the AIDS scourge will be quickly contained via accords with drug manufacturers as a profitable investment in human stewardees. And educating a child for later might make more sense than working it to the bone right now."

To prove that human stewardry can work, Schmidt cited a proposal by a free-market think tank to save whales by selling them. "Those who don't like whaling can purchase rights to specific whales or groups of whales in order to stop those particular whales from getting whaled as much," he explained. Similarly, the market in Third-World humans will "empower" caring First Worlders to help them, Schmidt said. (http://www.policynetwork.net/main/article.php?article_id=505)

One conference attendee asked what incentive employers had to remain as stewards once their employees are too old to work or reproduce. Schmidt responded that a large new biotech market would answer that worry. He then reminded the audience that this was the only possible solution under free-market theory.

There were no other questions from the audience that took issue with Schmidt's proposal.

During his talk, Schmidt outlined the three phases of Africa's 500-year history of free trade with the West: slavery, colonialism, and post-colonial markets. Each time, he noted, the trade has brought tremendous wealth to the West but catastrophe to Africa, with poverty steadily deepening and ever more millions of dead. "So far there's a pattern: Good for business, bad for people. Good for business, bad for people. Good for business, bad for people. That's why we're sohhappy to announce this fourth phase for business between Africa and the West: good for business--GOOD for people."

The conference took place on Saturday, November 11. The panel on which Schmidt spoke was entitled "Trade in Africa: Enhancing Relationships to Improve Net Worth." Some of the other panels in the conference were entitled "Re-Branding Africa" and "Growing Africa's Appetite." Throughout the comments by Schmidt and his three co-panelists, which lasted 75 minutes, Schmidt's stewardee, Thomas Bongani-Nkemdilim, remained standing at respectful attention off to the side.

"This is what free trade's all about," said Schmidt. "It's about the freedom to buy and sell anything--even people."

# 30 #

I've had a few of these emails, but I've ignored them because they look like spam - plain text in Courier New. But I'll surely read them from now on. Brilliant.

To sleep, perchance to pass...

2006-11-10T23:20:00.000+11:00

The brothels on Swanston Street have put up their Christmas decorations. Check it out if you don’t believe me. You’d think the last thing a brothel would want to do is remind their clients of the spirit of the coming season. It’d encourage them to return home to their families. Bad for business.

But perhaps I just imagined it. After all, I have had six hours sleep.

I had a mate – who is now working in engineering at a mine in South Australia – who believes that the hours you should sleep lie along two sacred inviolable lines. You must either get four hours or eight hours sleep or not bother with the exercise at all.

Last night I had to go out and drink. I had to. Another friend suffers from chronic fatigue, and she finally succeeded at her third crack at VCE in spite of her illness. Her last exam was yesterday. You can’t not attend an event like that.

Even if you do have an essay due the next day.

I’d done the right thing. Well, the rightest thing in the situation. I’d done most of what I needed to do the night before; I was up to two-thirds of the word count. All that remained was to cap it off when I returned home.

My car is currently in the panel beaters. Not my fault. But clearly I couldn’t get to the party under my own steam, as the house of the party is far away from public transport, but a reasonable half an hour by car from my home. I organised a lift from a mate and we agreed to have one drink, stay for a while, and then go home. This transpired, sort of.

We were force-fed champagne when we arrived at 9pm. After this, the driver stopped drinking and I was forced against my will into a drinking game. I only had one or two drinks, then started drinking water to make sure I could get up in the morning.

A couple of minutes later it was 3am. As is the way of The Party, we ended up taking two others in the car when we left. After a Maccas stop I was in bed by 4am. Plenty of time. The essay was due in 13 hours.

However, not thinking, I set my alarm for 10am instead of 8am. When I woke to the aural assault of its beeping I immediately felt the icy shock that only comes with violating sacred inviolable laws of nature. I had six hours of sleep.

But I managed to pad out the word count, satisfying myself in the process, if not my tutor. But you’re meant to go to uni for yourself, right? I’m not here to impress anyone but me. It's lucky I’m easily satisfied.

Which is exactly how I ended up scaring my fellow pedestrians this afternoon, by looking at the tinsel star hanging from the balcony of a brothel and chortling to myself as I walked up Swanston Street.

Dog Wigs

2006-11-07T00:05:00.000+11:00

I had just finished my reflective essay that claimed the biggest obstacle to a successful peace agreement in the Arab-Israeli Conflict was the Palestinian refugee situation. Then I turned on Letterman.

This is a chihuahua wearing a 'Pupadour'.

Here's a French bulldog in another monstrosity:

And Penny, the King Charles Cavalier.

They're not on sale yet, but Ruth Regina wants to start selling them soon.

How to... donate blood

2006-11-06T21:28:00.000+11:00

Due to 'popular' demand, I'm posting the article that went into Melbourne Uni's student paper Farrago (page 28, October 2006 edition, if you need to track down the hard copy) so it can be read by keen, the lazy and the non-Melbourne student alike. Not that they're mutually exclusive groups, or anything.

There are never enough blood donors. At the moment, we clock in at around one million in Australia. That might sound like a large amount, but stocks are perpetually low in all blood types (both common varieties and 'You're a what positive?') That number includes all people who have registered to donate, but does not take into account all the donors who become sick and frequently have to bow out from donating.

It's a very comfortable process. On donation day, you drink lots of water before you go to the donation centre. Then you rock up and fill out forms. When it's your turn you get your haemoglobin (Hb) levels checked by a nurse. These are the blood cells that transport oxygen and contain iron. If your Hb level isn't high enough, then it's not healthy for you to donate. This test is done through a pinprick to one of your fingertips. It doesn't hurt if you look away. Honest!

If your Hb is fine, you're set to donate. They sit you in a comfy chair (think Homer's cloud bed from The Simpsons), check your blood pressure, bang in the needle and take just 470 ml of blood from your body over 8 to 12 minutes. That's bugger all.

The Red Cross website likens the pain you feel from this needle as bad as a pinch to the inside of your elbow. Go on, try it now. Firmly hold Farrago in the pinch-ee arm and pinch away with your pincers, Crabby. Did it hurt? No! And that much pain can save three lives or contribute to 15 different forms of life saving or life improving blood products.

After they've filled the donation bag, they test your blood for diseases and let you know if something's amiss. It's genuinely good for your health to donate.

For blokes, donating blood has an added bonus. It's been argued by a few doctors that one of the reasons women live longer than men is because they get impurities removed from their bodies on a regular basis through the assistance of their monthly friend. I's excellent for the body to have some blood taken out.

You don't need to give anything up (as long as you're not jabbin' needles in yaw own arms). You can still drink alcohol. You can smoke - both kinds. You can do most recreational drugs (naughty, naughty) and still donate. Your blood simply needs to be unexposed to potential disease.

If you're scared of needles, see this as an opportunity to get over your fear. After all, if you do get sick (heaven forbid) and you've donated blood, you'll be used to being a pincushion.

It only takes about an hour of your time (slightly longer for your first time, but that's never the best anyway).

This is a great, free way to make a difference and get a free feed along the way. Call Red Cross on 13 14 95 or visit www.donateblood.com.au for more details.

Ground Components' Gear Stolen

2006-11-01T18:21:00.000+11:00

Ground Components just released their debut album, entitled An Eye For A Brow, A Tooth For a Pick. It's good. But their gear's been stolen. That's fucked.

The rest of this entry is from an Undercover News article. Posted here on the off-chance that someone who knows something will see this. After all, my mates are pretty dodgy. :-P

Dallas Paxton, keyboard player for Ground Components has issued a plea to whoever stole the bands equipment to return it or if anyone has any information about the stolen gear to let them know.

The gear was stolen from the band's 4x4 Ford Maverick in North Fitzroy on the corner of Park and Best in the early hours of Monday morning.

'The thieves snatched thousands of dollars worth of gear,' Dallas said.

Stolen items were:

Black studio rack holder
Alexis Reverb Unit (in rack)
Behringer Sound Enhancer (in rack)
Digidesign Digi002 Recording Interface (in rack)
Yamaha Compressor
8-Channel rack-mounted mixer
Beyer M88 mic (in electrovoice case)
2 x Takkstar professional condenser mics in box
Lacie External hard-drive
Small brown suitcase containing 10 x assorted leads
Green suitcase with 10 x mic leads
Power adaptor for Apple i-book

These are specialized items that only sound guys and those in the know would know what to do with so if you or anyone you know hear anything about the whereabouts of these things please get in contact with Dallas on 0405 641 531 or dallas@groundcomponents.com

Pelican eats pigeon

2006-10-30T18:45:00.000+11:00

Full story here.

"There was a bit of a struggle for about 20 minutes, with all these people watching. The pelican only opened its mouth a couple of times.

"Then it managed to get the pigeon to go head first down its throat. It was kicking and flapping the whole way down."

Thanks to Jesse for the heads-up on this.

And hooray for the internet.

An interview with myself

2006-10-26T23:17:00.000+10:00

How's it going?
Yeah, pretty good thanks.

Last day of classes today, huh?
Yep, pretty excited about that.

Must you always preface your answer to a question with an affirmative? Don't you think it makes you sound like a fucking sycophant?
Yeah, look, nah, I just reckon that I sound better when I do it.

So you missed ex-mclusky Jon Chappele's shows at the Tote. It was a whole month and you didn't even go once.
I had shit on!

You've always got shit on. Perhaps you're shit.
Look if you're just going to berate me I don't see the point in this conversation.

It's not a conversation, it's an interview. An interview between yourself and you.
So I can't leave?

That's right, cockstain, you're here until we both want to leave.
So, uh... How's about the weather.

Oh fuck this.
Where are you going?

Because I'm you, I know you're using reverse psychology. And even though I was being the tough guy, I'm really quite susceptible to that kinda shit.
Yes.

We're pretty awesome, hey, me and me?
You said it, mate.

Fin

Instead

2006-10-22T20:32:00.000+10:00

It's so delicious I can't fathom how good a diver you'd have to be to taste it.

I've spent a 'couple' of 'minutes' on Wikipedia's List of Unusual Deaths.

Jack Daniel, founder of the famous Tennessee whiskey distillery, died in 1911 from blood poisoning after a toe injury he received when he kicked his safe in anger, not being able to remember its combination code.

In 270 BC, the poet and grammarian Philetas of Cos reportedly wasted away and died of insomnia while brooding about the Liar paradox.

But the liar paradox is an arse! If I was talented enough I'd probably waste away from insomnia trying to solve it too. It's a problem in philosophy stemming from sentences like this:

I am lying now.
This statement is false.
The following sentence is true. The preceding sentence is false.

Read the Wikipedia page on the topic for a good explanation of the implications of this question. Look at me, I'm like some piss poor professor getting y'all to do directed reading. Go team.

I had rabbit and duck pie today. It was awesome. But I've felt sick ever since. Not nauseous as such, just like I've eaten something really rich that I'm not used to. Which is handy, because that's exactly what I've done.

Recommended Viewing

2006-09-26T22:44:00.000+10:00

Somehow I stumbled across The Doomsday Code, a documentary about the End Timers. They're (mostly American) people who buy into the theological interpretation that current events are a literal manifestation of the prophecies in Revelations, the last book of the New Testament.

The issue is that they've got real power and it is having a dire effect on attempts to solve some of the world's serious problems.

It first screened on the BBC on 16 September 2006 and is hosted by the one and only Tony Robinson. A brilliant piece of work, something everyone should watch.

If you've got 100 minutes and enough download in your month left free, do yourself a favour.

You may have missed this in the news

2006-09-25T13:41:00.000+10:00

'Jihad' car commercial upsets US Muslims
Monday Sep 25 06:51 AEST
A car commercial proclaiming a jihad on the US auto market and offering "Fatwa Fridays" with free swords for the kids is offensive and should not be aired, Muslim leaders say.

The radio advertisement for the Dennis Mitsubishi car dealership in Columbus, Ohio, has "a whole jihad theme," said Adnan Mirza, director of the Columbus office of the Council on American-Islamic Relations.

"They are planning on launching a jihad on the automotive market and their representatives would be wearing burqas ... ," Mirza said. "They mentioned the pope in there and also about giving rubber swords out to the kiddies - really just reprehensible-type comments."

Details of the radio ad, which has not yet been broadcast, have been reported in the local media, but officials at the dealership declined to comment about the content of the radio spot.

Two employees at the dealership said they had been deluged with calls about the commercial.

"The ad has has never been released, it is not out for public listening," said one employee who declined to give his name. He would not say whether the dealership had changed its mind about airing the commercial.

Tokyo-based Mitsubishi Motors Corp. could not immediately be reached for comment.

Mirza said several local radio stations had already rejected the ad and he hoped the controversy would convince the dealership to rethink its sales strategy.

He also said the Council on American-Islamic Relations would likely contact the dealer to "offer some kind of cultural or sensitivity awareness training."

Reuters.

But swords are awesome.

Dad Joke

2006-08-03T22:36:00.000+10:00

Just thought up this shocker: Wow, Nelly Furtado has released 'Promiscuous', her come-back single. And boy has she came. I wish she was still 'Like A Bird' - at least then you could shoot her when the right season rolled around.

The cool thing about my transit today was as my homing train was just leaving the city loop (Melbourne's elaborate subway network comprising four stations, one of them above ground) it stopped and all the lights went out.

Over the PA, the driver said, 'Passengers. I would like to apologise for the train losing its lights. This is due to it deciding not to go. I will try to get it to go.'

Then, all was normal.

Rusty Youth

2006-07-25T23:12:00.000+10:00

Did anyone watch Sonic Youth on Rove Live tonight? The drummer looked suspiciously like Rusty Hopkinson from You Am I. It's hardly surprising, following Lee Ranaldo's work on the Coprolalia EP and You Am I's debut Sound As Ever, but it is interesting that he'd tour with them.

I've trawled the net to no avail, so I guess I'll just have to ask the man himself if I see him at a gig, or sit here waiting for enlightenment.

Peace.

New Post

2006-07-13T23:45:00.000+10:00

I was in the car and I saw other cars and I turned on the solarize function on my phone and took a photo.

I then went on a walk and the moon was high and full. It looked great, yet sucks in the photo.

I think this blog's jumped the shark.

Phillip Island

2006-07-06T18:37:00.000+10:00

Went down to Phillip Island over the last few days.

Eat Schit. Outside Kristos' Take Away in Cowes.

Sand In Your Shoe. Eloquence sand-on-ified.

Untitled. There's now a bowling alley at Cowes.

IR Protests

2006-06-29T00:17:00.000+10:00

Went to the IR Protests in Melbourne yesterday. Very festive atmosphere with between 80 0000 (Conservatives) and 150 000 (Labor) being cited as the attendance. Not sure if it'll achieve much though.

The ACTU folks introducing Beazley did the same semi-assured shit they always do, introducing him as the next Australian Prime Minister. Hopefully it's the case, well, hopefully in contrast with the louse in office at the moment anyway.

Excellent menu list I saw on a Chinese restaurant on Lonsdale Street on my way home:

Good to see a business admit to being involved in the Pacific Solution.

Postette Mk II

2006-06-22T11:04:00.000+10:00

Common Origins

Indo-European skei- is the origin of many words in English. An underlying sense of 'cutting' is apparent in words such as scythe, scissors, ski ('cleft wood'), and shear. And the sense of 'separating' one thing from another is there in schism, skill, science, conscience, plebiscite, shield, shin, the verb shed, and (as waste matter leaves the body) shit.

That is one of the wonderful things about etymology. There are always surprises. Who would ever have thought that there was a common origin for the words science and shit?

There's a tasty little suckerpunch to deliver to your scientific buddies.

The quote is from page forty-four of a rather delicious little book called Words, Words, Words by David Crystal, The Man of the English language.

Oh, those Russians!

2006-06-08T21:59:00.000+10:00

A drunk Russian went to Moscow Zoo with his friends to show that "a bear was no match for a real man." Sadly the bear tore him to pieces.

It's not an infrequent occurrence either, a simple search for "bear drunk man" on MosNews.com shows a Ukranian man who did the same thing as the drunk in the story (who I suspect is the one from the story, regurgitated somehow through the wonder that is the Internet), a Drunk Elephant and a roaming hippopotamus.

Rock'n'roll.

June’s Take

2006-06-08T00:14:00.000+10:00

As the end of the financial year approaches, it’s time for a clearout of surplus opinion, in bite-sized review form.

Forward, ho!

Music

Convicts - You Am I

It’s rockin’, but something’s out of place. Perhaps it’s the country tracks that’d be more at place in a Tim Rogers and the Temperance Union album. Perhaps it was the rushed nature of the recordings. Perhaps it’s Davey Lane’s irritating and superfluous back-up vocals.

After a major life event like Roger’s divorce it’s hardly surprising that it’s a bit off. In the end, who cares how shit it is? It means You Am I are touring again and that’s all that matters.

Fox Confessor Brings The Flood - Neko Case

Beautiful album from That Chick From The New Pornographers. Her voice is the best instrument on the album, which is something you should be able to say about many more records. Great stuff.

Tired Of Hanging Around - The Zutons

Their second album with no sophomore awkwardness in sight. Tight and funky, the only downside is a couple of the ballads that don’t exactly achieve the childlike innocence that was intended and end up sounding just like Oasis.

St. Elsewhere - Gnarls Barkley

Lovely stuff from Danger Mouse and Cee-Lo. It’s this and albums like OutKast’s Stankonia that assure you that hip-hop has great musical value. Generally, there needs to be more people who respect the tradition they’re from, draw from it and add to it for the future.

And more people who cover Violent Femmes tracks.

And there needs to be a whole lot more stuff that isn’t crunk.

‘Shut up, white boy!’

Sorry.

Rated R, Songs For The Deaf, Lullabies to Paralyze - Queens of the Stone Age

I know they’re old releases compared with the other stuff I’ve written about, but I recently got my hands on these albums and I’m loving them. Do yourself a favour, Oztraya.

Film

Candy (2006)

In Don’t Do Drugs: The Movie, Dan (Heath Ledger) is a junkie and he gets middle-class Candy (Abbie Cornish) into sticking a needle into her arm instead of snorting heroin. Their lives spiral out of control with brief flashes of hope that are quickly put out.

It’s a beautiful and depressing film – highly recommended. The acting’s great, the cinematography is awesome and the directing is top-notch.

Here’s hoping Neil Armfield directs at least one more film… it’s the film debut for the maestro of theatre/opera direction in Australia. Well, unless you count his stage-on-screen stuff like Twelfth Night and a few operas.

Props to Tom Budge for yet another awesome ‘small’ role as Schumann, who’s Candy and Dan’s friend and dealer. He’s been rather kick-arse lately, as Samuel Stote in The Proposition and probably just as good as Johnno in Kokoda, but I haven’t seen that.

The soundtrack was particularly great. ‘Sugarman’ by Rodriguez and ‘Song to the Siren’ by Tim Buckley were used to devastating effect in their respective scenes.

The Chumscrubber (2005, released in Australia 2006)

This is a really good dark satirical piece covering drugs, modern parenting and all that jazz. The Chumscrubber covers its themes well, in a very funny manner, but is often humour you nod at rather than laugh out loud at.

Something I found distracting was the video game called The Chumscrubber that is the media-in-the-movie that all the kids play. It had really bad animation, with three-dimensional art that would be considered archaic in the mid-1990s. This wouldn’t be a problem if it was meant to be a film that referred to then, but as it’s a contemporary piece, it’s an unfortunate distraction, especially when it’s blown to full screen and used as a narrative device at the end.

Les Diables (The Devils) (2002)

I watched this on SBS really late one night. An extremely powerful drama about two abandoned kids, the older autistic ‘sister’ and the younger ‘brother’, who aren’t actually brother and sister but set out to find their parents regardless. They run away and live underground (literally). There’s a heartbreaking end that is amazingly striking.

It also hit me that the experience of watching ad-free movies on SBS is going to be gone very soon. It’s extremely disappointing that they’re moving into intra-program advertising rather than betwixt like they have been before. Argh.

Happy Thursday.

Sinking Your Teeth Into Pirahã

2006-05-25T20:01:00.000+10:00

I've been doing a linguistics subject called Semantics for the last twelve weeks, and we've just finished the showing-how-all-this-theoretical-crap's-practical-in-a-couple-of-rare-cases-that-makes-this-shit-worthwhile stage.

One of the 'cool!' things to come out was a case study of an Amazonian tribe called the Pirahã, who are turning the discipline of linguistics on its head, specifically challenging Noam Chomsky's theories. Chomsky, the awesome political dude, is also an awesome linguistics dude.

He came up with a theory called universal grammar, which claimed that the human mind, regardless of culture, has an innate capacity for language, with all languages sharing similar basic rules. This foundation allows children to acquire the more complex stuff, like English's bizarre syntax, or French verbs, etc. Built into this is recursion, the ability to build complex ideas by using simpler thoughts as component parts of others, which manifests as subordinate clauses in all languages.

Anyway, these Pirahã folks are so interesting because they don't communicate in words. According to people who've heard it, it's a sing-song language that is more like humming and whistling than common spoken word.

They also don't count. Not in the significance compared with others sense, as in the 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 to infinity sense. They simply have no concept that accounts for numbers. Now that's my kind of tribe.

The expert on the Pirahã, a linguist called Dan Everett, is a Professor at the University of Manchester and the only Westerner fluent in Pirahã. During the 1970s he began to understand what they were saying, and worked out one night that they were having a meeting to plot his murder. He gained acceptance into their fold by pre-empting their actions and hiding their weapons along with himself, his wife and children in a locked hut. The Pirahã dug it, and accepted him from then on.

Everett tried to teach them how to count over a period of eight months. A handful of the folks learnt to count up to nine, but no further. They claimed to only go along to the sessions because of the community aspect and because of the popcorn Everett made them.

In a recent article in The Independent Elizabeth Davies explained that 'the tribe's almost complete lack of enumeration skills is just one of the Pirahã's many traits which has so fascinated linguists for the last two decades … the Pirahã is the world's only people to have no distinct words for colours. They have no written language, and no collective memory going back further than two generations, meaning few can remember the names of all four grandparents. The members of the tribe, in villages along a 300km stretch of the Maici, frequently starve themselves even when food is available.'

'The concept of decorative art is alien; even the simplest of drawings provokes intense frustration. They are also believed to be the world's only society to have no creation myth; asked how their ancestors came into existence, they say, "The world is created" or "All things are made".'

'Because of their culture's ingrained emphasis on referring only to immediate, personal experiences, the tribesmen do not have any words for any abstract concept, from colour to memory and even to numbers. There is no past tense, Everett says, because everything exists for them in the present. When it can no longer be perceived, it ceases, to all intents, to exist.'

But before you think they're somehow retarded, the ultimate Goldfish People, hear Everett out: 'These people know the names of every species in the jungle. They know the behaviour of all the animals. They know their environment better than any American knows his. They know so many things we don'tm but because we know a few they don't, they are somehow less intelligent. It's ridiculous. As a matter of fact, they think I'm dumb, because I have a habit of getting lost in the jungle.'

It's believed that the Pirahã could be used to revitalise the theory linguistic relativity, put forward by a couple of folks called Edward Sapir and Benjamin Whorf, which essentially means that the way you perceive the world is limited by the language you use, because your linguistic activities frame the way you think. The 'strong' version of their theory, that it is impossible to perceive something unless it is accounted for in your language, has been out of favour for decades, but the Pirahã may show that in some cases this holds water.

But for now, I'm still going 'cool!', just astounded that tribes like this still exist in 2006.

Overheard in Chicago

2006-05-12T15:38:00.000+10:00

Great blog link in Crikey's Blogwatch today: Overheard in Chicago. Especially this hilarious and worrying anecdote.

Brain Falls Out

2006-05-09T23:07:00.000+10:00

Good to see you again.

No reason for the title, just been poked to write here by far too many people to avoid the task any longer.

Went to a band night on Friday (5/5/2006) after I handed in a 2500 word (read: 2300 word) history essay. Indie Intiative at the Greyhound Hotel, Brighton Rd, St. Kilda.

Did you know that there is no Saint Kilda? The suburb is named after a ship called the Lady of St Kilda, which visited Melbourne in July 1841. It was owned by Sir Thomas Dyke Acland, the rich dude what Acland St is named for. The ship itself was named for the island of Saint Kilda in the Outer Hebrides of Scotland, and the name of the island derives the Old Norse word skildir, meaning "shields." Thank you, Wikipedia!

No wonder the Scots are so angry. If they just stopped pulling shit out of their arses and naming places after it, their world would make that much more sense that a feeling of calm would descend upon the entire nation.

I took a while to get to the band thing because I thought it was somewhere along Fitzroy St (didn't bother to look it up) and I was all disoriented after staying up late, falling short of the essay word limit, going to bed, getting up and finishing the essay, handing it in, commencing housesitting at my uncle's, having a nana nap and waking up when we were supposed to be meeting up for the band.

All of the bands were tight. The Last Five Minutes impressed me the most, because it was a singer-songwriter based band in the vein of your Dan Kellys and your Dan Brodies, with or without Alpha Males and Broken Arrows and I dig that kinda music the most. Sons of Messengers do the conventional rock thing but they are tight live. The Impossible Cinema were an atmospheric group, good instrumentalists, but they don't fit the pub vibe too well.

Even though I warned about it before here, I had Domino's Triple Cheese Pizza tonight for dinner. Man that's a lot of cheese. The cheddar is orange and plasticky, but it's so bad it's good.

Xiu Xiu at Northcote Social Club

2006-04-22T13:30:00.000+10:00

Xiu Xiu played the Northcote Social Club in Melbourne last night to a sizable crowd on their first Australian & New Zealand Tour.

Support act Because of Ghosts played an impressive set. Think Mogwai spear tackling Sigur Rós and strolling away with sports bags full of ambience. Soaring highs; crashing lows. This playing takes skill and dedication, but there's precious few people that appreciate it. Perhaps for good reason - one person's intelligent music being another person's arrogant tripe and all. I'm full of arrogant tripe, so I dug it.

Then Xiu Xiu took the stage. Because of sound problems on Caralee McElroy's side of the stage, some spaces between songs took longer than usual, but it was handy to take a breather from the intensity of the gig.

Jamie Stewart is an impressive frontman, his voice was strong and his scream at iron man level. Their instrumentation was fascinating to watch live. Cymbals, drums, a series of reception-style bells, an autoharp and others were played by the two people on stage in addition to their synths, guitar and programming.

It's usually hard to put an experience so internal and emotive as music into words, but it seems this problem is exacerbated with Stewart's performance. He shows the dark side of humanity to great effect, with surprises lyrically and sonically throughout the gig. At various times through the show he portrayed a rape victim, a child abuse victim; at all other times he was simply a victim of life.

From those descriptions he seems to be a broken man, but the fact the music exists shows that he's risen above whatever disastrous things have happened and is living each day, even if he's not exactly moving on. He may be a train wreck, but he's a centred, creative, masterful train wreck.

The live version of 'Sad Pony Guerilla Girl' from their album A Promise was absolutely unnerving, even more so than the rest of the performance. At the end of the song, after Jamie had pretended to fellate his microphone, his touring partner and cousin Caralee walked across the stage to Jamie's mic and sang the chorus a few times. It goes 'I like my neighborhood/I like my gun/Driving my little car/I'm your girl and I will protect you'. It probably runs away with the lifetime achievement award for Most Creepy Moment Ever: Live Performance.

This stuff's not for everyone at all. In reality it's probably not for anyone, but everyone in the room last night was completely transfixed.

You can't pretend to be as fucked up as Stewart, but the fact that he exposes himself (figuratively) to such an extent in his live performances provides a very special experience that will remain prominent in my mind. He pulls it off completely.

Whimsy took a few weeks off... don't worry, it'll be back soon.

Reviews and Readings

2006-03-28T17:41:00.000+11:00

Postie's Falcon finished on Friday. See photos here.

This was in Eyeball, the photocopied rag that's distributed around uni every three days:

The Postie's Falcon

An It’s a Yam! Production produced, written and directed by John Leung, Alex Bowen and Luca Costanzo.
Performed Guild Theatre 22-25 March

Review by Sabina Giado

It’s strange watching a radio play “performed” in front of your eyes.It’s strange watching “Barbara the sound girl” (Amy Huva) in full evening dress, splashing in slates of water in her wellies.

But God, did they do a good job.

From the first syllable uttered by Gil Bilson as Billy McCoy to the last high pitched, other-worldly announcement made by John Leung, this play is riveting.

Late 2003 Carlton drifts into shape, fashioned only with words, facial expressions and ingeniously produced sounds. An ingenuous American postie, newly indicted into the peculiarities of Aussie drinking habits, finds himself pulled into a suburb-sprawling mystery and pulled in by the charms of local store-owner Kay Di Natoli, played with loving care by Margaret Locke.

The voice talent of this group impresses, to say the least. To create believable characters with no visual or spatial cues is no mean feat. The script was overly wordy at times, however the pace was never drowned by the weight. The sound effects team operated like a well-oiled machine, never missing a cue, no small potatoes in one’s Sunday best.

Stefan Cassomenos’ music definitely lent itself to the atmosphere, though perhaps significantly varying the tone and tempo would perhaps have better complimented the varied proceedings.

Of all the voice actors, Chris Pollard made the biggest impression on me, switching effortlessly between gruff, inarticulate Bruno to the passionate paterfamilias Giancarlo Di Natoli, to screaming anti-VSU guy in the charming ads between episodes.

And it was kind of nice seeing a bunch of young people wearing suits and formal gowns for no apparent reason other than to be given due respect as venerable talent.

Watch this play. ‘Nuff said.

Very helpful for this to come out when the play's finished. [Edit: This is the raw form of the published review. "Watch this play..." gone from the final copy.]

And let me wallow in our collective crapulence once more, with internet comments by my cousin's boyfriend, Ravyn:

Saturday night was phenomenal, we saw Erin's cousin Daniel play in a uni theatre piece called "The Postie's Falcon"...Holy Freaking God...It was sooo good. Set up like an old-school radio serial, they did all their own sound effects and mimmicked the "Spike Milligan-esque" era of the 50s. Great, nay, fantastic stuff...truly and honestly the best theatre I've seen in 6 years.

The Postie's Falcon
8pm, Wednesday 22 to Saturday 25 March, 25 at 2pm, Guild Theatre, first floor, Union House.

Tune in as Billy ‘Smokes’ McCoy, the new postie on the beat, stumbles into mystery, intrigue, betrayal and a world of noir in a late 2003 Carlton where dogs aren't the only things after him.

The cast afterparty was a lot of fun, just shooting shit and drinking beer (or in my case Coke) and talking about bad movies. They were all awesome people. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm looking to get my hands on a copy of the DVD (and yes Dan, I'm talking to you old man :P Oh and if you see Luca, you can tell him I just bought Frankenstein Island from Amazon for $1.99...)

There ya go boys. Howzat.

Instead of having the play as my distraction, I'm now reading Bob Dylan's Chronicles, Volume One. I'm not a huge Dylan fan, but it's an amazing book so far.

In my Semantics lecture today, I wrote crap in my notebook about it, rather than waste time taking down notes. It relates to the following excerpt from page 100 of the book, where Bob had just visited Guthrie's home with the intention to take lyrics from the basement and interpret them. He'd seen Woody in hospital and was given permission by him to do so. However, he did not take the opportunity as when he visited their home he thought he'd outstayed the welcome of a young Arlo Guthrie and a very confused babysitter:

Forty years later, these lyrics would fall into the hands of Billy Bragg and the group Wilco and they would put melodies to them, being them to full life and record them [for the albums Mermaid Avenue one and two, released in 1998 and 2000]. It was all done under the direction of Woody's daughter Nora. These performers probably weren't even born when I had made that trip out to Brooklyn.

So how bitter is Dylan about the Mermaid Avenues? Is he bitter? Or just musing over the perpetual influence Woody Guthrie has over popular song?

How would he have treated the same songs if he had gone down into the basement instead of staying just long enough to dry off?

Is he in a better position because he knew the man and visited him in hospital in his twilight years? Billy Bragg and Wilco surely did a great job, but did they deserve to do it? Yes and no. Always yes and no.

What are young Arlo's recollections of the event?

How about the babysitter?

Here's a table that simplifies Kahn's Right to Guthrie Criteria:

	American	Talented	"Left-Wing"
Woody Guthrie	Y	Y	Y
Bob Dylan	Y	Y	Y
Billy Bragg	N	Y	Y
Wilco	Y	Y	Y

They have a lot in common. Clearly, Billy Bragg isn't American. Does a Briton have the right to sing the first version of American folk songs, steeped in a particular tradition as they necessarily are? Does an Australian have the right to complain, especially six years after the event?

Who gives a damn anyway?

Younger Brothers

2006-03-15T14:24:00.000+11:00

I am one, and it's probably why this disastrous cry for attention is online. See why we are the way we are.

The Small Things

2006-03-14T17:23:00.000+11:00

Like my mind, when I'm in Horsham.

Arts Students: Born, Not Made

2006-03-13T19:59:00.000+11:00

I found this certificate from Year 11 tonight. Check out the name. It has not been doctored in any way.

Possibly the proudest moment from my High School days.

Middle East in Northern West

2006-03-11T22:17:00.000+11:00

One of Horsham's best cafes is Cafe Bagdad. No idea why they left out the 'h', perhaps they thought it was stealing the town name's gig.

Apparently there was a TV series in 1990 with Whoopi Goldberg called Bagdad Cafe and something that looks like a film in 1988 with the same name, which might have something to do with it.

But they refer to the place in the Arizona desert of the US called Bagdad, but the decor of the restaurant definitely suggests the Middle Eastern one. Oh well... the mystery remains.

An Owl In The Night

2006-03-07T20:20:00.000+11:00

Here's a big owl. And that isn't a euphemism.

It's a Powerful Owl, the biggest and most powerful owl in all of Australia. In my yard. No wonder the lap dogs were shitting themselves.

Dave Callan - Fear Factory Bassist

2006-03-03T15:07:00.000+11:00

While we're waiting for Marx to get back to us, let us consider the multi-tasking of Melbourne comedian Dave Callan.

Stand-up gigs, surrealist comedy theatre, radio and metal bass. Sure he's buff and semi-cleaned up in terms of hair now, but this photo's from 2003. Yeah? Uhuh.

Marginalisation of Arts Students

2006-02-20T23:37:00.000+11:00

In a conversation with a friend from school we turned to the subjects we were both doing at university this semester. Here's the most telling excerpt.

Anonymous Friend says:
ecology and the environment, biodiversity: a global perspective, environmental sustainability annnnnnd boorrrring history of life

Anonymous Friend says:
evolution rubbish

Kahn says:
i'm doing Semantics, Sth Africa Under Apartheid, Controversies in Australian History and Minds and Madness

Anonymous Friend says:
wha?

Anonymous Friend says:
what are you doing really?

See what us poor humanities folks have to contend with?

Melbourne

2006-02-18T17:14:00.000+11:00

Yesterday I had another great liason with one of the loves of my life, Melbourne.

In the late afternoon I handed in the final essay for the summer subject I did over the uni break. I decided I would stay in the city until school friends came in around 10, even thought it was roughly 8 hours to fill. Anything's better than prematurely returning to the suburban fringe.

First I headed to Kino Dendy to see The Aristocrats, the movie about a joke. I received a free pass when I signed up for Crikey's newsletter, and wanted to use it.

It's based around a simple enough set up. A man walks into a talent agency, says to the talent agent, "I've got a great act for you, a family act" then segues into a disgraceful and utterly debauched explanation of the act. At the end of this explanation, the agent says, 'What do you call yourselves?' The man replies, 'The Aristocrats!'

It was interesting to see so many brilliant comedians tell the joke in their own ways, but it got very repetitive. It certainly could have done with an edit by someone not so close to the project. Especially at the start of the film when the analyses of the joke quickly went stale.

Particularly good tellings were: a Liza Minelli version by Mario Cantone, a special short South Park piece with Cartman telling the joke, Drew Carey's special click-flourish at the punchline, Steven Banks as Billy the Mime doing a completely silent rendition and Gilbert Gottfried's public telling at Hugh Heffner's Friars Roast Club do - the event that inspired Penn Jillette and Paul Provenza to make a film on the subject.

Of course in the middle of the joke there's absolutely anything that can occur in the act, which is why they felt they could stretch it out to 90 minutes, and they almost got there. But not quite.

The DVD is an excellent option over seeing it in the cinema. Many times when I was watching it I wished for a remote control to skip a scene. And the credits show several comedians that didn't make the final cut, which will hopefully end up on the disk.

The rest of the time I wandered around looking at buskers.

In the afternoon, a man by the name of George Kamikawa was singing blues and accompanying himself on a slide guitar. He was a good performer, but what made it a great moment was the 90-year-old man who shuffled forward with his walking stick while George was playing to dance.

Early evening, just after I had dinner, a British man with tattoos covering his legs was doing balancing acts at Southbank, next to the Southgate complex. He'd modified a BMX bike so it could attach to the top of a pole and proceeded to climb the pole, balance while standing on the bike and juggle two unlit firesticks and an apple.

Last was Sonic Manipulator, the electornic artist who plays in the space suit. The bloke that appears on the track 'My Friend Robot' from Regurgitators 2004 album Mish Mash. A vibrant and energetic performer, the sounds he gets of his gear are truly amazing, if sometimes irritating and boring over an extended period. Check out his website for some more info and the instruments that he makes.

Finally at a quarter past ten I caught up with friends and drank too much. A standard teenage finish to a brilliant, standard Melbourne day.

Nah Nah Nah

2006-02-15T23:26:00.000+11:00

It was all well and good when everyone thought Katy O really ate a bowl of her own vomit for breakfast but now we know that was all hype, we realise the Yeah Yeah Yeahs are just another shit New York band.

Cheney Still A Dick

2006-02-13T15:40:00.000+11:00

Cheney shoots hunting companion
Monday Feb 13 10:15 AEDT

Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally wounded a companion with shotgun pellets on a weekend quail hunt in Texas, his office said on Sunday.

Cheney's companion, Harry Whittington, 78, was listed in stable condition after being brought in on Saturday night, said Yvonne Wheeler, a spokeswoman for the Christus Spohn Hospital in Corpus Christi, Texas.

Cheney's office said Whittington, an Austin lawyer, had been sprayed by birdshot while hunting at the Armstrong Ranch in south Texas.

Cheney spokeswoman Lea Anne McBride said the vice president had been with Whittington at the hospital on Sunday.

"The vice president visited with Harry Whittington at the hospital and was pleased to see he is doing fine and in good spirits," McBride said.

Cheney has been a frequent visitor to the Armstrong Ranch and in October spoke at the funeral of family patriarch Tobin Armstrong.

Armstrong's wife, Anne, served as US ambassador to Britain and as an adviser to presidents Nixon, Reagan and George Bush.

The 50,000-acre ranch was settled in 1882 by his grandfather, John Armstrong III, a Texas Ranger known for capturing outlaw John Wesley Hardin.

©AAP 2005

Foolhardy and rash in war; foolhardy and rash in leisure. The personal is truly political.

Check out the coverage ABC (US) laid on Dicky Bird.

Everyone Wants A Little Revolution

2006-02-12T22:09:00.000+11:00

Why so many ads these days with white adult men shouting at the general public to support a product or service?

There's at least two, one with Dan asking people to drink Coke Zero and live buzz word-fuelled lives and the other with an idiot shouting into a PA system strapped to the top of a yellow van with '8.99%' emblazoned on the side.

One interpretation of this phenomenon is that it is appeal to people's arrogance and need for group security.

Everyone wants to be the bloke (or woman) in the car (or bus) shouting at everyone in an 'enlightened' way. As unique individuals, I reckon everyone's pissed off with society at the moment, and we all have our particular method of shaping society that would see it improve. We'd all secretly love to have the gall to shout it at people on public transport and in public spaces, but really don't because the social codes of society strictly prevent this.

The group security is shown in Coke Zero's commercial folks saying 'Yeah!' and following Dickhead Dan and by the credit card tools throwing their newly inferior symbols of debt out of the window.

The ubiquity of the internet has created massive problems in terms of individualism. The internet allows people to communicate through instant messaging and rants on blogs (yeah, I see the irony), but this is a disjointed method that doesn't actually allow for the profundity of communicating one-on-one. And this loss is felt in the abiliy of the modern human face-to-face communication, especially, I feel, in my generation.

Suprise, surprise, advertising subverts these positive energies and these potentially noble causes are turned to promoting and consuming shite.

Fizzy drinks full of sweet salt and no nasty sugar.

Credit cards that allow us to buy more crap to fill the hole in our lives.

Whimsy promised in next post.

Chuck Norris Jokes

2006-02-10T14:48:00.000+11:00

There's no explanation for some cultural phenomena, like the Chuck Norris jokes that have seemingly sprung up from nowhere recently. Some of my mates recite them like a 1950s Latin class learning how to conjugate verbs.

People who like Chuck Norris jokes are the same sort of people who ask questions like, 'Was Midnight Oil's 'Beds Are Burning' always about reconciliation, or did that notion come along later?'

Fine, there is one Chuck Norris joke I do love.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

White Stripes on Simpsons

2006-02-05T14:52:00.000+11:00

Must've missed this news when it came out a couple of weeks ago. I figured I'd chuck it on the blog in case others hadn't heard either.

The world's most famous rock duo, The White Stripes is set to appear in an upcoming episode of The Simpsons this fall.

In the episode, titled 'Jazzy and the Pussycats', Jack and Meg end up in the middle of a Simpson family feud after Bart receives a drum kit and becomes a jazz drummer. In one featured scene we find a tip of the hat to The White Stripes' 'Hardest Button to Button' in 'Lens Recap' where Bart smashes his kit and winds up meeting the Stripes in an intersection near Springfield Elementary.

As MTV News has reported, Jack and Meg recorded their parts in New York on November 30, before Jack lost his voice and was ordered by doctors not to speak. Episodes for the smash hit cartoon take about six months to complete, so "Jazzy and the Pussycats" won't hit the small screen until next season.

From Jam Base News, with corrections and translation from American 'English'.

Whither Ready, Steady, Cook?

2006-02-02T14:42:00.000+11:00

I'm on uni holidays, I'm unemployed, and though the classes for my summer intensive subject are on in the morning, I'm home with enough time to catch the end of Oprah and the wonder that used to be Ready, Steady, Cook.

I like cooking shows because they're an easy thing to watch and I, ahem, dig cooking. And before the recent reschedule of Channel 10's daytime schedule, you got the impression that the host, Nick Stratford, being a chef himself, was as knowledgable as the guest chefs. He helped them out, asked intelligent culinary questions, and did a good job on the technical side of television presenting.

But that's all changed. Now there's the camp idiot Peter Everett from Changing Rooms and all the other crap he dabbles in. He doesn't know jack about cooking, he stumbles over words and generally fucks up the job of presenting. The only thing that kind of saves it is the charismatic chefs taking the wheel and steering it away from Ever(ett)-pressing disaster.

Surely complaining about the quality of daytime TV is akin to complaining about an ugly wart - it may be the nature of the beast, but Ready, Steady, Cook has gone from being a shining light in the quagmire of daytime tele, to something that sucks balls with the rest of them.

Thank God uni goes back in less than a month.

Rip In Space & Time

2006-01-30T21:53:00.000+11:00

So I jump on Google, just because I'm meant to be working on an essay that analyses a document from the middle of the Second Crusade (1147) by an anonymous German noble from Würzburg.

Sick of getting my Concession Card from stations close to my home, I resolved to go to an obscure, out-of-the-way one htis year. After trying to work out which one I was going to (still undecided), I type in 'metcard tertiary concession victory' trying to find out about the time a couple of years ago when the price of Tertiary Concession cards went down from somewhere close to $100 to $8.50, but the only interesting link was to a blog called The Life and Times of Zhangief.

I leave a comment, and a couple of hours later 'Zhangief' checks if my report of what happened was fact or fucked and the bloody link from Google is gone.

What the heng?

Help!! There's a frog in my head!!

2006-01-27T19:30:00.000+11:00

I've always liked Belle & Sebastian, but it's been a radio affair with my appreciation. Every time they came on, I liked the music, bopping merrily along to it without fail, but I've never bought a CD.

I still haven't bought a CD, but after hearing it on the radio for the last few weeks, I downloaded 'Funny Little Frog'. It has invaded my consciousness.

At random parts of the day I'll hear the intro then 'Honey loving you is the greatest thing/I get to be myself and I get to sing'. That line goes on a loop through my head until I'm forced to listen to the whole song again, which perpetuates the vicious but enjoyable cycle.

I've had songs in my head before now, but this is crazy. It's ridiculously catchy and the lyrics are utterly bizarre and cryptic. Get out, get out, get out! Stay in, stay in, stay in!

I can't avoid buying the album now. The Life Pursuit is out in that first week of February 2006, like next week. Or a week and a half. Soon.

Crystal Ball Bearings

2006-01-23T16:41:00.000+11:00

On Friday in The Age, the funniest article on music in a long time was published in the weekly entertainment rag EG.

Here's an unauthorised copy. Love it; love it long time. Michael Dwyer is a champion!

January 20, 2006

Planning is crucial to the busy modern music consumer. Michael Dwyer predicts some likely highlights of the 2006 Australian rock calendar.

January: Advising Big Day Out punters to "Rock'n'roll", Airbourne ingeniously encapsulate the temper of the times. Wolfmother blitz Triple J's Hottest 100 of 1973. End of Fashion forced to change name under Trade Descriptions Act, successfully relaunched as the Victims on Rove Live. Shihad change name to Pshicifad for US tour, Apache nation swears bloody revenge.

February: Members of Jet, You Am I, the Living End, Grinspoon and Spiderbait form supergroup, the Wrongs, to record Mi-Sex classic Computer Games for Playstation3 promo. The Mess Hall begin intensive five-month recording session to nail ultra-minimalist second album. Powderfinger drum roadie releases solo album, sells triple platinum.

March: Hoodoo Gurus record AC/DC tribute album and vice versa. Music press instigates six-star rating system to accommodate new Paul Kelly album. John Butler announces Rock'n'Roll Grooming Scholarship Fund, selection criteria: recycling, surfing, Ben Harper trivia exam and guitar solo endurance challenge. Confessing they were "only pretending", Faker disband in disgrace.

April: The Whitlams launch pay TV reality series to find new lead singer; Tim Freedman rejected in round two. Spiderbait hit no. 1 with smash comeback single, cover of Gary Glitter's Rock'n'Roll. Midnight Oil reunite for benefit gig to pay Hunters & Collectors' reunion expenses. Tex Perkins faces schedule clash when he realises he's in every single band playing at the Byron Bay Blues and Roots Festival.

May: Tim Rogers releases quadruple concept album, Rock'n'Roll, Parts 1-4. Regurgitator lock themselves in a Hungry Jack's toilet with a Channel [V] crew, write and record album during the lunch rush, then flush hard drive. Renee Geyer unveils new acid-death-emo direction. Fifteenth Church album of 2006 suspected of being three old ones played backwards concurrently; band can't for the life of them recall.

June: Delta Goodrem begins exclusive nine-year Crown Casino contract, with Kram from Spiderbait on congas and chimes. Ben Lee pursues hot new rock'n'roll direction with God is the New Satan. Russell Crowe buys Rolling Stone Inc, writes own album review. The Mess Hall fire each other for overplaying. TISM sell out two nights at the Hi-Fi Bar to launch 12-disc set, If You Buy This You're Even More Fuckin' Stupid Than We Thought. Sells double platinum.

July: Jet seal elder statesmen credentials with second album, Rock'n'Roll! Wolfbourne, Wolfman Jack and Wolf & Wheelbarrow join them on the Suck More Piss world tour, alternative press reviewer Chad Orwell observes, "The future is a Beatle boot stomping on a human face forever." Joe Dolce, Uncanny X-Men, Molly Meldrum and some really, really old guy inducted into ARIA Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame.

August: Missy Higgins diagnosed with degenerative vowel disorder, cancels Shaeiouw Girl tour, friend Sarah Blasko begs media to respect her praeiouvacy. Go-Betweens' press officer tragically blinded by glowing European reviews, band disappointed to find them still inedible. The Finn Brothers split after Neil claims he's the best one. On second album, critics agree Kisschasy are OK, but they're no Thirsty Merc.

September: Album launch for second New Buffalo album turns violent as rival journalists insist they liked it first. Shannon Noll, Anthony Callea, Guy Sebastian and Casey Donovan form the New New Seekers. Motor Ace unexpectedly split up during their relaunch party, reunite at tram stop, then agree to go separate ways. The Whitlams announce new singer - Kram from Spiderbait - and release cover of Led Zeppelin's Rock'n'Roll.

October: New ARIA chairman and Channel 10 owner Russell Crowe makes surprise sweep of the 2006 ARIAs (Something for Kate "happy" with best comedy album award). Alex Lloyd releases hits album, I Was Amazing, rejoins Mother Hubbard. Pete Murray pays to get into own gig, ends up watching footy on the bar TV for the duration. In search of that elusive, indefinable atmosphere, the Cat Empire go to Saturn to record third album.

November: Jimmy Barnes releases Soul Extraordinarily Deep, a duets album featuring each member of Cold Chisel, all their kids and a couple of their more gifted pets. Dirty Three expand sonic palette with Classical Gas, recorded with the MSO, Edinburgh City Police Bagpipe Band and John Farnham, who promptly announces his retirement. Silverchair's return is acclaimed as a triumph of pop visionary genius; bassist and drummer also involved.

December: While testing new typewriter at Myer, Nick Cave accidentally writes screenplay for Peter Jackson's Australian outback remake of The Ten Commandments. Heartfelt and bittersweet all-female Screaming Jets tribute album is huge Christmas hit. Powderfinger's Tarago driver releases DVD-enhanced album with bonus remix disc, tour EP, rare acoustic B-sides, exclusive iTunes download access code and previously unreleased cover of the Velvet Underground's Rock'n'Roll. Sells quadruple platinum.

Spot on.

On The Beach in San Remo

2006-01-22T18:15:00.000+11:00

Last night Dallas Crane, Tim Rogers and the Temperance Union played at the Westernport Hotel for the thirteenth gig of their On the Beach tour.

Support act Cannon played a good set of rock tunes. A tight three-piece, their first EP Hardwood Hits was released in mid 2005.

Tim Rogers and the Temperance Union were simply terrific. The first half of the set was acoustic stuff - the music from Ghost Songs and the softer songs from Spit Polish. In the latter half of the set the rock stuff came out, and boy did it rock.

Tim's banter between tracks was in top form, if a little weird, when he put on a dodgy European accent of unrecognisable nationality and pretended to be a tennis player who had just dropped out of the Australian Open. Covers included 'Summertime Blues' and 'Kick Out the Jams'.

If your support act is led by Tim Rogers, you'd better come up with a pretty damn good set to live up to your headline status. Just as well that Dallas Crane have the goods, and in droves. They were great at Falls, but seeing them at a sweaty, hot, dirty pub gig was a glorious example of what a Dallas Crane experience should be.

They played all their hits, and a cover, AC/DC's 'Whole Lotta Rosie', when the bogan inside me came out in force and rocked out like it was 1976. I dropped a beer on a girl (just the liquid, the glass went straight to the carpet and thankfully didn't smash), danced like a fool and had a great night.

Do yourself a favour Australia, see Dallas Crane and Tim Rogers and the Temperance Union while you can. They are genuinely great Australian bands. Hold that - irrelevant of their nationality, all of these chaps are world class.

A Sign of the Times

2006-01-19T15:25:00.000+11:00

We may not be the Herald Sun, but still demand to have cringeworthy puns.

Two British men have been arrested for attempting to steal the sign from the gateway to the village of Llanddewi Brefi. The Welsh Assembly was asked to give financial assistance to the town in January last year after fans of Dafydd from Little Britain stole three signs in almost as many weeks.

In other obscure entertainment news, there are plans afoot to create a Boney M musical. Frank Farian, the German famous for being the puppet master behind Boney M and Milli Vanilli, is happy with the music for Daddy Cool, but has trouble with the plot line - two gangs fighting followed by a charming reconciliation.

This follows the ultra-low budget film in the early 1980s when Boney M's star was crashing to the ground. Boney M Lost the M was as bad as the awkward title suggests. Boney M lost the M at the end of their name.

I'm off to listen to 'Rasputin'.

Intel Macs are here

2006-01-11T14:14:00.000+11:00

There's no way in hell I'd buy a new Wintel machine ever again, following my Dad's decision to replace our shitty old PC with a 20" G5 iMac in July 2005.

But now I have to consider the possibility of purchasing a Mactel machine.

I just had a miniature consumer orgasm when my homepage, Apple's Australia Website, greeted me with the most lovely message I'd read from a corporation in years: "What's an Intel chip doing in a Mac? A whole lot more than it's ever done in a PC."

While I'm sure this is the truth, even with educational discounts there's no way in hell I can afford the desktop iMac (starting at $1999) or the portable MacBook Pro (starting at $3199 RRP), so I'll have to wait a while. The family iMac will certainly suffice for the time being.

The Apple users of the world truly constitute a consumerist cult. I'm kinda embarrassed about being a member, due to the vociferous and alienating nature of my support in conversations with PC friends (appropriate that this abbreviation has several meanings, all which apply to those dedicated to Windows for any reason other than professional).

The folks at Jobs' House have done it again. Breaking new ground, pissing off people, impressing their fans. What joy.

Postette

2006-01-07T17:48:00.000+11:00

Y'know, a little one.

Question of the week: Why are Bruce McAvaney's kids fat? I can't find a photo online, so you'll have to take my word for it, but it struck me as a little more than ironic that the sports commentator has butterballs as part of his brood.

Advice of the week: Don't eat Domino's Triple Cheese Pizza.

I'm in a radio play produced by It's A Yam! Productions. It's a noir mystery done as a theatre piece, entitled Return to Sender, which'll play five performances in the week starting 12 March. The foray into Melbourne Uni student theatre finally begins.

The Falls Festival 2005

2006-01-01T21:00:00.000+11:00

For people who know about it or who have attended, the reputation of this NYE party is second to none in Australia and it completely lived up to its hype for me.

Aside from the inadequate toilet facilities ('I've gotta do a shit now, let me dash off for a moment... to stand in a line for half an hour.'), it was musical paradise, with great people camping together, getting hydrated and enjoying great tunes.

So for the rest of this entry I'll do the music journalist thing and embolden the names of the bands I saw and mostly loved. Comments, as in the album reviews post, shall be sparse and inappropriate.

I rocked up on the twenty-ninth of twenty zero-five with my people, the thirty dollars certainly worth it to set up a day early, commence drinking and enjoy a couple of bands. The Exploders were great, but Ian Brown (formerly of The Stone Roses) truly sucked. He was completely out of tune and ponced about on the stage. The drunk people up the front seemed to enjoy it, but they were probably the British contingent - conditioned to enjoy disappointment, anything's good for the Brits.

Day two, the thirtieth day of December, shall be called Blues Day. Stunning one-person blues was on display throughout Friday. A young bloke from Frankston called Rob Sawyer plays blues with a bass and drums rhythm section, plus a saxophonist for a couple of tracks. His complicated guitar lines and strong vocals were simply stunning - as my mate Parko said, 'How can anything this good come out of Franga? He must have two brains.'

After seeing Eric Bibb several times on Live at the Basement on ABC TV (Aus) several times over the last couple of years, I was seriously anticipating his set. He absolutely delivered, with superb musicianship and character, completely solo and acoustic. However, he did have trouble with the sound from the main stage, which contaminated the smaller Big Top stage at the crest of the natural amphitheatre that makes the Falls so special. Rounding out the day in the blues department was Jeff Lang, whose tender moments and apolcalyptic crescendoes astound the ear and trick the mind into believing there are far more people than just one man on the stage. Ash Grunwald was enthusiastic, but I didn't get into it for some reason. Perhaps it was blues overload; there is a point where it becomes too much.

In terms of more poppy stuff, my enjoyment of Sarah Blasko was consolidated, though I did leave before the end of the set to take a shower as it was an extremely hot day and I was sweating like an inappropriate simile. In the early evening The Zutons blew me away with their tight playing only matched by the black jeans constricting the blood flow to the emo kids' testicles. Stupid fashion. Clearly, they love music, or they wouldn't be at a festival like Falls, but they're dressed like they're about to go to a fucking Dashboard Confessional concert. No bold there! But back to the Zutons. Songs like 'You Will You Won't', 'Pressure Point' and 'Zuton Fever' were effortlessly pumped at the crowd, and no doubt the Britons deservedly received several new fans on their first gig in Australia.

What is there to say about Wolfmother that hasn't been said before? They were tight, but I'm getting tired of the shtick, especially when you find out that they've only been playing their instruments for a couple of years, and it's a purely aesthetic project for them rather than a soulful one. For my money, that's just not on. It was interesting to see how much the comical windmills and leg kicks had increased since I saw them support Regurgitator at the Hi-Fi Bar at the arse-end of 2004, and how their playing was suffering as a result. Ah well, the rest of the crowd loved it. Different strokes.

Hoodoo Gurus were just great. In top form, energetic and joyful, it was a pleasure to see them. All the hits were played in a superbly crafted set list. I cannot talk them up enough. Yeah!

And on New Year's Eve, there was more! Though a stuff up with gear messed with the timetable, after we all got our bearings the day was extremely enjoyable. I missed most of 67 Special's set because they were meant to start at one. The few songs they played that I saw were excellent and I was a bit sore about the the problems with the gear. I didn't want to see any artists in the morning, so I recovered from excessive hydration at our campside before heading up. Buh! At least it meant I ended up seeing The White Buffalo, an American blues-country singer/songwriter, and another artist making their Australian debut. He was a prime, positive example of the results of the idiosyncratic decisions the Falls organisers make when deciding who will play.

While I don't particularly like End of Fashion's recorded music, I must admit they had it going on live. Their pretension in reference to Wolfmother irked me earlier in the year, to the point where I gave them a surly review on iTunes Music Store, but as it's an opinion I now share. I'm also coming around to being more reasonable in terms of song structure borrowing and influences. Originally I was all 'Grr, everyone should be original, all the time or it's crap', but now I believe that some borrowing is good, particularly when an original spin is taken on what would otherwise be covers.

'Dah!' the crowd cried.

'Unh. Is blog,' plead Kahn.

The Grates did. The Beautiful Girls were rather good, but it was a similar problem that I had with Ash Grunwald - I should have been enjoying it but I didn't. Ah well, it happens sometimes.

The comedy came on the Big Top early due to the error on the airline's part. Adam Hills did a tight and hilarious set with mostly new material. Particularly notable in this novel material was a brilliant rant against the bastardisation of the English language. Danny Bhoy's set was a little disappointing. It was overwhelmingly material I'd heard before and he had to leave the stage early and abruptly so the timetable had a chance to get near what it should have been.

The Shins played a delicious set, with James Mercer's voice stunning live - far better than recorded.

Rock. I loved The Mess Hall. They rocked out like nothing else, with the amp up to eleven and the drums pounding. Dallas Crane kicked arse with a ripping set, consisting of all their great singles and general rocking out.

The Cat Empire were great - the first time I've enjoyed them. It's a symptom of my surly alternative rock past. If a band has fun on stage and rings out clear melodies, I used to be inclined to bag the hell out of them. But now I'm beered up and semi-maturing-ish, I can have a good time.

Except when The Dandy Warhols play. They seem to consider a headline peformance at a major event like Falls as a rehearsal, jamming out. This can be interesting, but normally it's gobshite - especially when it's an amorphous, indie rock jam with no clear aim, as opposed to a jazz or funk or rock jam. Their hits were certainly enjoyable, but the pain that surrounded it hardly made them worthwhile.

Well I'm off to take another '#2 Session' in the real toilet. It was a brilliant festival, but portaloos do end up being just a little bit crap. Boom. Tish. Cannned Laughter. Half-hearted applause from the audience. Commerical break.

Gorillaz Live

2005-12-18T15:06:00.000+11:00

I was all shitty earlier this year because I hear that the Gorillaz were going to perform Demon Days live from head to tail, at the Manchester International Festival as a one-off spectacle. I love a good spectacle, and I really like the Gorillaz, so it was a shame I was a poor Melburnian Arts student still living at home and could not attend.

What a great concept. Jamie Hewlett's animations on a huge screen as the band and guest artists from the album perform a kick-arse pop record live. Mmm hmm!

But now, for your viewing pleasure, as I piss off to Horsham until Thursday, you can finally see Gorillaz live in the rare and infamous LO-Res AOL Audiovisual Hell (LORAOLAH) format. Or see it again. Yeah!!

Smell some reviews of the gigs at the Manchester Festival website.

Back from the Beach

2005-12-10T17:29:00.000+11:00

It's times like this I feel utterly British. I live in Croydon, and I went to Torquay for a week with the family, which included dining at a restaurant called The Ol' Duke. This wild colonial boy won't use good diction.

Did you know that C.S. Lewis was against visual adaptations of his work? Check out this letter from Crikey's weekly Reader, reproduced without permission but with good vibes. I just gave them $100. They can afford this.

The Kilns,
Headington Quarry,
Oxford
18 Dec. 1959

Dear Sieveking

(Why do you ‘Dr' me? Had we not dropped the honorifics?) As things worked out, I wasn't free to hear a single instalment of our serial [The Magician's Nephew] except the first. What I did hear, I approved. I shd. be glad for the series to be given abroad. But I am absolutely opposed – adamant isn't in it! – to a TV version. Anthropomorphic animals, when taken out of narrative into actual visibility, always turn into buffoonery or nightmare. At least, with photography. Cartoons (if only Disney did not combine so much vulgarity with his genius!) wld. be another matter. A human, pantomime, Aslan wld. be to me blasphemy.

All the best,
yours
C. S. Lewis

[Letter to BBC producer Lance Sieveking (1896-1972), who has written at the top: ‘The Magician's Nephew' and, after the address, the phone number “62963”.]

Fuck yeah. I agree wholeheartedly with the sentiment. Stuff like Harry Potter, The Lord of the Rings and Narnia rely on the imagination of the reader, with the Hollywood adaptations paling in comparison with how the books feel in the head, even with all the CGI they can do now. But I'll still pay to see the movie. Poor Disney, their publicity machine is pushing the line that it's their movie division's last opportunity to get back in the black.

You have to feel sorry for them. They need our charity.

The Long Necks

2005-11-30T21:37:00.000+11:00

The Living End played a not-so-secret gig, advertised as the Long Necks last night to celebrate the 10th anniversary of music, under the current license, at the Corner Hotel. This follows the Hoodoo Gurus on Monday night (28/11/2005, promoted as the Kings of Moomba), and precedes Something for Kate on Friday (2/12/2005, sold out) and Spiderbait next Wednesday (7/12/2005).

It was a superb show, giving a great platform for Chris Cheney's brilliant guitar skills. As well as songs from the new album, likely to be released in early 2006 after the Big Day Out tour, the show included several covers. 'Girls Talk' by Elvis Costello sat nicely alongside 'Rip It Up' by Little Richard, and Cheney's brilliant rendition of Chuck Berry's instrumental 'Guitar Boogie', which also featured a glorious solo by Scott Owen on his now non-checkered double bass.

Solos aplenty marked their original songs. With the potential to turn into self-indulgent rubbish, the Living End showed how solos can and should fit into rock 'n' roll shows, with Cheney melting many a face in the crowd with appropriate and virtuosic pieces. A true highlight was when Cheney and drummer, Andy Strachan, traded fours to create an amazing duet.

It seems that most bands in the Australian indie scene don't often do solos any more, either because it's perceived as uncool, but more to the point that most 'musicians' aren't proficient enough on their instruments to carry them out. It's great to see a competent, amazing band in action that has a popular following putting solos into their work. To lube up this article with a wanker turn of phrase, it's great to see a band that keeps it real.

Last night there was lots of old stuff and brand new stuff. 'So Lonely' from their Hellbound EP of 1995 was followed by Cheney saying "'Now there'll be folks in the crowd saying 'That's a crap song, I won't buy the new album'". The new songs, however, did sound promising. One could easily predict a very pop-oriented release, but it will have a nod to Cheney's musical hero, Brian Setzer, with a rockabilly track named 'Black Cat'.

In short, it was a great gig. Cheney's car crash in 2001 on the Great Ocean Road almost took his life and makes every time he gets up on the stage extremely special, and should make the audience and fans of the Living End value each and every performance more than usual. But that's what we should do with every gig and every band, no matter what happened prior to it. Except for Ben Lee.